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Florida Announces Reparations for Descendants of Slave Owners

The ancestors of Florida’s slave owners are set to receive large lump-sum payments for the value of the work they lost due to the 1863 Emancipation Proclamation.

“This unfair law signed by President Lincoln has divided our nation,” said Florida Governor Ron DeSantis during a campaign stop in the middle of nowhere Wyoming.  “White children are being programmed to hate their heritage and these one-time six-figure payments will correct that.”

Under the new law, every white child will receive a tax-free payment of $100,000 that will be placed in a trust fund until they turn 18.

“When these children become adults, they will have too much money to feel bad about what their ancestors did to black people,” continued DeSantis.

Along with the payments, Florida public schools will also begin teaching children about all the benefits of slavery.

“Thanks to these biased laws, white slave owners were forced to pay black slaves who don’t deserve anything other than the most basic shelter and nourishment,” continued DeSantis. “White people are becoming poorer every year, and that is harmful for them to see black people with money.”

DeSantis ended his speech by putting on a dreadlock wig and applying skin darkening make-up. He then started lip-synching to Sisqo’s 1999 hit song, Unleash the Dragon.

“We hope that these payments will correct all the problems children are experiencing now with race, wokeness and diversity that are ruining this country.” Concluded DeSantis before he took off to continue his presidential campaign tour. 

Josh Santos

About Josh Santos

Writer and award-winning videographer and documentarian. Instagram: @HashtagSantos