While addressing her current legal troubles, Lizzo announced that she is considering stepping down as an entertainer to run New College of Florida.
“There are many lies being spread about me,” said Lizzo, who was drinking a smoothie through her flute and twerking. “The truth is, I’m tired of being an entertainer and I want to help the next generation of New College students as they attempt to gain the skills they need to help them in the workforce.”
In the last year, New College of Florida had six conservative appointees installed on the board of trustees. The new conservative leadership ousted the former president and began looking for a suitable replacement.
The new board of trustees recently recommended Lizzo for the permanent position.
“Lizzo is a strong woman who will help whip these woke little babies into shape,” said New College of Florida interim President, Richard Corcoran. “Children going to college are too soft these days, and the students that were going to New College looked like the softest of the bunch.”
After reviewing all the students who planned on enrolling at New College of Florida, the board realized it was time to change course.
“This school barely had any sports, all the students were complete nerds,” said Corcoran. “Under my interim leadership, we have removed all the woke crap that was on the walls, but we believe Lizzo will give this college the leadership it deserves.”
As part of New College of Florida’s rebrand, students will experience sexual harassment and a hostile learning environment.
“This is my specialty and by the time I am president of this college, these students will learn that it’s about damn time that they grew up.” Said Lizzo before she took off while riding on the back of a golf cart.