Former federal prosecutor inspires thousands

Following a road rage episode on the Howard Frankland Bridge on Tuesday, in which former federal prosecutor Patrick Scruggs was charged with aggravated battery, aggravated assault and burglary of an occupied convenience after allegedly stabbing another motorist, commuters on the heavily trafficked span between Hillsborough and Pinellas Counties are feeling oddly motivated by the incident.

“You have no idea how many times I’ve fantasized about stabbing people on the Howard Frankland. Like, at least six times each way, five days a week,” said Stella Muskirk of St. Petersburg. “Now that I know it’s something that can actually happen, I find myself looking forward to my commute!”

“I never thought I’d say this, but God bless that lawyer,” she added.

“So many goals are just unrealistic pipe dreams beyond the grasp of reality and not worth the time or effort to pursue. Such as scoring a touchdown in the Super Bowl or curing a disease or making friends with a black person,” said Craig Whitwell of Tampa. “But this is something that can happen and this guy is the living, currently free-on-bond proof!”

“Even if I never go so far as stabbing some asshole doing 35 in the left lane myself, I will think of this and feel a warm glow inside,” said Bill Szweet of Gulfport. “If nothing else, this justifies my own frequent rage-fueled outbursts.”