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Tampa becomes first city not to require consent


Rapists rejoice as a new law abolishing the requirement for consent for sexual activity in Tampa has been passed.

The bill titled, “Danielle’s law” was passed by local legislation after the daughter of the head chairman of Tampa congress was accused of raping a boy she took out on a date.

“My daughter Danielle is known to be pushy, and when she was accused of date-raping a boy, which I wholeheartedly believe she did, I knew I needed to act, or my baby would be put in prison.” Said Merry M. Webster, the mother of the accused assailant, Danielle Webster.

“My daughter is an absolute monster, and she’s been known to trick boys into sexually penetrating her, but the most recent accusation was particularly heinous, so the only way I could make sure she wouldn’t face legal repercussions was to change the laws and get rid of the requirement of consent.” Webster said.

The bill is extremely unpopular, however, citizens are at the mercy of the local legislation.

“It’s messed up, people have started touching me on my way to work, while I ride my zeppelin to the horse track, or when I catch a Concorde jet to Clearwater. This place is going to hell in a hand basket.” Said Rita Mordonna, a local Tampa resident.

“It’s good for me, I like sexually assaulting people.” Said Trevino Ralph.

“Usually, I’m worried about getting in trouble, but now that consent is out the window, I can finally just be myself. I think it was very brave of Mrs. Webster to pass this bill. I finally feel seen and empowered.” Ralph then turned and pinched the butt of the woman who was passing him on the sidewalk.

She smacked him in the face, but then started to cry upon the realization that there was nothing she could legally due to punish him.

“Only in Tampa!” Ralph smiled.

The new law is expected to cause riots and fire throughout the city until the law is eventually reversed in local congress.

“As long as this law is in effect through the statute of limitations for my daughters assault claim, we’ll be fine. Once that goes by, I’m open to reversing the law.” Webster shared with me.

“How long is the statute of limitation on your daughters sexual assault charge?” I asked.

“9 years.” Webster responded.

So buckle up Tampa, because it will be at least 9 years of non-consensual sexual groping throughout the city. Our best advice is to buy electric clothing which shocks people when they touch you. It has been an effective method in Malaysia, and local businesses are hoping to bring those garments to Tampa soon.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds