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Free sex hotline turns out to be Ron DeSantis cell phone number

Ron Phone Sex

A phone-sex hotline that had gained mass popularity due to the fact that it was free has turned out to be Ron DeSantis personal cell phone number.

“It sounded like him.” Said Chet Freebanks, one of the many avid users.

“We all liked calling it because it was the dirtiest phone-sex hotline we had ever called. I mean he was saying anything and everything, and it was always free. It didn’t make any sense. But once it turned out to be Ron DeSantis, it all made sense.” Said Freebanks with his arms crossed nodding his head, tipping the brim of his bucket hat the look up directly into the eye of a solar eclipse then spit dip juice into the dirt.

“I did it because it was preparing me for my debates with Trump.” Governor DeSantis explained during my turn on his phone-sex hotline.

“I know that the debates are going to get super low and dirty, so I figured, why not prepare myself for that kind of debauchery by sharing sexual fantasies with strangers over the phone?” DeSantis shrugged through our video call, the image freezing on him shrugging while he continued to talk.

“Trump is going to get ‘all up in my ass’ as the kids say,” DeSantis said with air-quotes,

“So I might as well do whatever I can to prepare for this.”

DeSantis then pulled the floppy dildo from his mouth that was halfway down his throat while we were talking.

“That’s better.” He said.

“Now I can talk better.” DeSantis clapped his hands and snapped a couple times.

“I have sponsors, I have backers, I have profiteers, I have people who can control what I say and do. Trump doesn’t quite have that to the extent that I do, and that’s where he is going to attack me. My handlers will only let me go so far in these debates, so I’m scared he’s going to out-roast me, like the did all those other Republican candidates in 2016. Nobody else even stood a chance!” DeSantis threw his arms up in frustration which ripped the brazier he was nonchalantly wearing.

“Why are you wearing women’s clothes?” I asked the Governor.

“Well, my immersion therapist told me the only way to face my fears is to become the thing that I’m scared of. And I’m scared of transgenders.” Inappropriately said the Florida Governor.

“Tranzo’s scare the pants off me, so I needed to kind of become one to get over that fear. And honestly, it hasn’t helped at all, if anything I’m ten times as scared as trans people than I was before. I don’t think  my therapist is helping that much.”

At this point I started to astral project away from my video call conversation with Governor DeSantis because I was bored and I didn’t want to be engaged in that anymore. I wanted to play video games. So I projected to the nearest arcade and I played the T2 Terminator game with the gun for a while. Then I played pinball. And then I played one of those games where you throw plastic balls at clowns and knock them down to earn tickets.

After that I went to a Starbucks.

I don’t like Starbucks, but I wanted to drink some anyway.

You ever get a craving for something you don’t like? What’s that about?

After I drank 5 cups of coffee with 6 creams each, I decided to project into space outside of our universe and just exist amongst the stars for a while. That was nice.

Then I felt a sharp pain, and I realized back on earth Governor DeSantis had actually shown up to my house and he was pinching me in the neck.

“Pinch! Pinch!” He was shouting as he pinched me.

I came back into myself.

“What the f**k sir!” I shouted at him.

“How did you know where I live, and get into my house?” I asked with genuine terror and angst.

“I’m in the government! I can find anyone any time and go wherever I want, whenever I want!” DeSantis laughed, as more of his women’s clothing ripped with every chuckle.

“Right, right, of course, I get it.” I said.

“That makes sense.” I conceded.

Then Governor DeSantis made me read the Bible to him for a while until he fell asleep facedown on my floor.

I tried to get up when he passed out, but as I tip-toed away he shouted, “keep reading!” With his face still down on my linoleum floor.

I kept reading him the Bible for about 16 hours until he got up and walked out of the room without any goodbye.

A few minutes after he left a talking dog ran into the room and asked in a panic, “Was Ronnie just here?”

I said, “yes.” And told the talking dog that he just missed him.

I was so exhausted I didn’t bother to ask what the deal was with the talking dog and why it needed to know where Governor DeSantis was.

All of that literally just happened to me and I wanted to write this story before I passed out myself.

What a strange day. 

At least I got to read the Bible for a while, that was ok I guess.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds