Tampa’s first homosexual-centric parade, “Gaysparilla” will be taking place on June 9th, from 6-9pm doing a loop around 7th avenue, circling Southern Nights, Bailey’s, and Honey Pot, allowing all openly gay parade-goers the opportunity to jump on and off the floats at any time throughout the night.
“We’re fairies, we love to float! We deserve our own floats!” Said un-closeted Ybor patron, Zeon Flamboye.
“Parades are super gay anyways, how in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks have we not had a gay parade before this year? I’ve turned out so many straight men at these things, they get 15 Bud Lights in them and all of a sudden, ‘a mouth is a mouth’ as they say, and I’m off to the races!” Flamboye continued.
“I’m gon spray paint my hear silver and gold for the parade, with sparkly lip gloss and knee pads on!” Flamboye exclaimed proudly.
“You want to find out what the knee pads are for?” He asked me.
I politely declined.
The parade is billed to have prominent same-sex relationship icons such as Bobby “Bucko” the original Tampa Buccaneer, who was the first openly gay sports mascot in 1950. “Bucko” who is now 96, will ride atop the Scissoring Sally’s “Gays of the Bay” float, which will feature decorations chronicling the history of the blossoming Tampa Bay homosexual population.
The Straight Legion of Tampa (SLT) has already filed a formal complaint against the organizers of the parade claiming discrimination, because they “want to be included as well,” even though they have a very strict discrimination policy in place themselves that profiles new members trying to join.
“As a proud straight man, I want to be included in that parade!” Shouted Lex Links, ambassador of the SLT.
“There’s just something about being the center of attention in a public spectacle which makes me feel loved and important in the world!” Links said.
“Something about being up there, with a bunch of other guys, rubbing shoulders, laughing, getting inebriated, palling around after hours sharing your feelings, gazing into each others eyes for hours as we gush about fro-yo, I want to be part of that parade too!” Links said, as he snapped his fingers and pursed his lips.
“Links can only be in the parade if he acknowledges the time we had sex under the bleachers in high school during the JV baseball state finals.” Said Greg Pompkin, lead organizer of Gaysparilla.
The event will be free for all, and sanitzer stations will be located on every corner in an effort to curb Coronavirus infections.