Giant mutant creatures turn Tampa into battleground

Enormous monsters, in all likelihood, the unfortunate products of radioactive genetic mutation gone horribly wrong, have invaded the city of Tampa and are waging a deadly war of terror, mayhem and destruction.

One of the creatures, a 30′ duckling had taken up a defensive stance on the roof of the ironically and unfortunately named Ducky’s Sports Lounge at 1719 West Kennedy Boulevard, while an angry mauve gorilla at least 10′ taller advanced east toward the University of Tampa campus.

It is unknown where either of the fierce combatants came from before ending up in Tampa.

“Perhaps they represent the manifestation of our hubris in the face of nature and now our environmental transgressions are being reflected back to us to teach us a long-overdue, hard lesson,” said Dr. Nietzsche Serizawa, a professor of biology and philosophy at the University of South Florida. “Or something. Hell if I know.”

“A duckling!!”, screamed a businessman as he tried in vain to flee in panic. “Okay, maybe that lacks the gravitas of screaming ‘Godzilla!!’ because, you know, it’s a duckling and typically, nobody runs for their life under any circumstances when they’re alerted to the presence of a baby duck.”

“But it’s such a big duckling. AIYEEE!!”

As this article was going to press, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis had declared a state of emergency and requested some of those anti-immigrant mines from Texas Governor Greg Abbott to be deployed in the Hillsborough River in a last-ditch effort to keep the onslaught from wiping downtown, including the historic Tampa Theatre and Eddie & Sam’s, the best pizza in town, from being wiped off the map.