Our Heavenly Father, The Lord Himself visited St. Pete Beach this weekend. Although rumors were flying in regards to his visit being apocalyptic, The Good Lord assured me during an interview that He is just taking a vacation.
I caught up with the supreme being at the Sirata beach resort in St. Pete to get some insight on recent events.
“Hello God, thank You for taking the time to do this interview. Shall I call You God? Lord? Jehovah?”, I asked nervously.
“Be calm my child, you may call me Father”, The Lord said. “Ok Father, so, how do You like the resort?”, I asked. “Oh they’re getting a great YELP review for sure”, The Lord said as he smirked. “So what brings You to town? End of days?”, I inquired half hoping He’d say yes. “Heavens no! I just needed to get away for a few days. I love the beach and my son Jesus lives over in Tampa”, The Lord replied.
“If You don’t mind me asking, what’s with all the plagues? Pandemic, murder hornets? It kind of feels like the end”, I said. “Well I wasn’t going to make a formal announcement yet but I’ll be releasing a sequel to the Bible this fall. The Bible 2 is on it’s way and spoiler alert; it’s gonna be fucking lit” God said as He giggled.
“Father, forgive me for questioning Your infinite wisdom but are things actually going to get worse?”, I inquired. “Every story needs some good plot twists; for example I bet you haven’t even thought about that volcano in Yellowstone recently, have you?”, The Lord asked me. “No, actually I haven’t. Is it going to erupt?”, I asked. “Oh it’s going to erupt alright and instead of lava, I’m thinking about having in spew poisonous snakes!”, God said with child-like glee. “What the fuck is wrong with You?”, I asked reflexively. “Be calm my child, I don’t actually exist”, The Lord whispered as He vanished into thin air.
The Bible 2 is due to hit shelves in early November, just in time for shopping for his boy’s birthday.