Presley’s Fruit Truck – Leon County – Tuesday, 5.14.19
Governor Ron DeSantis was caught stealing a guava out the back of a fruit truck in West Tallahassee in a bizarre turn of events which has led the governor to attempting to pardon himself. DeSantis was blackout drunk after a fundraising event when he stumbled onto a DUI checkpoint, when he began ID’ing the cops, claiming, “I made your jobs, I can do whatever I want.”
As the cops tried to calmly subdue the intoxicated governor, DeSantis was able to escape the grips of the officers by slipping out of his shirt. The current governor then ran through 40-acres of forest before arriving on a closed fruit truck parked in the back of a Winn Dixie. DeSantis then ripped open the trunk with his bare hands and began eating frozen fruit being stored for the next day. Once he finished eating the lions share of the fruit, he left with a single guava.
After wandering less than 50 feet from the truck, the governor was arrested when the police from the DUI checkpoint caught up with him.
DeSantis is currently in a holding cell in a Tallahassee prison, with intent to pardon himself during the next business day, however to add insult to injury, the fruit truck that Desantis robbed was a “Tallahassee Juice” truck, which is a company that is shadow-owned by ex mayor and opponent of Desantis, Andrew Gillum.
When reached for question, Gillum said, “I don’t shadow-own any fruit truck company, what are you talking about? I could have you arrested for liable and slander for making up such nonsense? Wait, you said Ron got caught blackout drunk stealing from one of my trucks!” Then he burst out laughing and gave me a pat on the back and invited me for a boat ride.
Nothing is expected to happen to Ron DeSantis, and he will surely be back to work soon. He’s not that bad. He always looks like he’s frustrated he has to talk to everyone. His speeches. It always looks like everyone got deserted on an island at sea, and he’s the one who knows how to fashion shelter out of torn clothing, so he kind of nominates himself as the leader, even though he doesn’t want to be and thinks he’s smarter than everyone. Something like that.
Also, for legal purposes, we’re not actually talking about the Ron DeSantis and Andrew Gillum you’re thinking of. These are fictional made up characters on a fake news website. Make sure to get your free Slurpee from 7-11 on 7/11!