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Happy News Year: the 2023 moments that made 2023

2023: Matthew Perry’s life ending due to mystersious circumstances after a series of Batman-related social media posts.

2022: Chris Rock hit Will Smith. Wait, no I mean Will Smith hit Chris Rock. That was 2022 right? It feels like it. I mean that was 2023, this year.

What’s next one? 2024. God that’s so high up. Wow.

2,021. The Ukraine war. God feels like just yesterday. Sorry Ukraine! We found a sexier war now. And we like it. It’s a big deal

2000. For the Dogs. Drake made an album that was anti-cats I guess I don’t know I didn’t hear it, I just asked Spotify to play it right now it sounds kind of haunted to be honest, very strange demonic anti-God and church music. Maybe that’s just me I don’t know. It’s pretty great at the end of the day. And being it New Year’s, it quite is, literally the end. Of the day, and the year.

1999: Let’s talk a little more about For the Dogs. Oops, I skipped a few years, I just looked back and noticed, because I thought, “there’s no way it’s already been 20 years, I didn’t write that many things that happened ye

I left mid sentence and did some other stuff for a while, I’m back now.

2019 – Covid. That was an exciting thing about… wait. I’m doing 2023 things that happened in 2023, this is confusing. Because I see I typed 2019 and I think I’m writing about the year 2019. Not the 2019th most interesting moment of 2023. So many numbers involved and I’m not good at math. I had to take Algebra in college. And I still hate it and don’t like it at all.

2018: The Russian war. It’s a different war than the Ukraine one. To Russia it’s like this dope heroic thing. And like, who knows right? Do you? Prove it, show me.

2017: (Reminding myself not the year, but the 2017th most memorable moment of the year) Trump getting in trouble. That’s been happening a lot, I guess, I don’t know it. Does he get in trouble? Is that possible? Will he win president from prison? Prisondent? Oh that’s good, call Fallon’s people. Get him to dance to that. Have a celebrity sing it in autotune with him.

2024: We’re going up numbers now. The 2024th most awesome thing of the (future) year 2024, is President Trump pardoning war criminals. Just kidding it’s going to be something good! Because based on the last… 20 years, things have been steadily getting better! Am I right guys! Ah 2023 I bathe in it like the sun on a crispy, Pringley, day in… Iceland? I don’t know, I just said a place I could think of.

Hey Spotify, tell me what the rest of the good moments are.

Spotify does not speak back to me.

“Oh yea, you need to say Alexa, not Spotify, I’m not used to talking to Alexa, I’ve been talking to Siri for so many years, I feel like I’m cheating. Hard.”

Oh! Call Mencia’s people, tell him I’ve got his new closer. Sike, my new closer, that bit is going to crush in… bars.

Alright, I took a few days to process this article because it was so taxing on my psyche, blah, blah, blah, I’m just kidding I stopped writing it and went about my days doing something else. Anyways, to finish up my list of the 2023 most memorable moments of 2023, coming in at 2000 all the way down to 1, all the remaining memorable moments have to go to Burger King’s Crunchy Chicken Sliders.

They’re so good I just can’t help but list them as 2000 memorable moments of 2023. Gosh my golly they’re good. Ugh, I love them.

And you might be thinking, “are you gaslighting me? I’ve never even heard of Burger King’s Crunch Chicken Sliders.” Yes, I am lying (wink) I’m totally winking (wink, wink.)

And you might think, “Well, why are you winking then if you’re admitting you’re gaslighting me and Crunchy Chicken Sliders aren’t real? What are you winking about?” 

Nothing! That’s the real joke! I’m gaslighting you with the winking as well! Double gaslight! Wow! 2024, the year of double gaslights. Congratulations guys, I invented something new and special in a world of artificial intelligence and worthlessness. I’ve created meaning in a meaningless world. Thank you. I do deserve the praise and I accept it.

And those are the 2023 most memorable moments of 2023.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds