Tampa Bay Rays to Trade Blake Snell for World-Renowned Belly Itcher
In a startling turn of events, the management of the Tampa Bay Rays has decided to trade away their star pitcher from last season, Blake Snell, 28. In return, fans can expect to see a new starting player, Mikey O’Leary, a wily upstart from an unnamed farm team out of Dubuque, Iowa.
When asked if O’Leary had any experience playing in the minors, he said, “No, those charges got dropped.”
Given his apparent lack of experience, some fans have questioned the decision to trade away a pitcher who threw a no-hitter during a World Series game, up until Kevin Cash pulled him from the mound. But, Kelli Finnegan, a spokesperson for the Rays and owner of an Etsy store for “upcycled otter baculums”, assured the most diehard fans that “O’Leary brings a unique set of skills that we believe will reinvent the Rays franchise. When our scouts found him, they knew in an instant – this guy has a hell of an arm. And he uses it to itch a hell of a belly!”
Season ticket holder, Raymond Kurtz, said of the trade, “Honestly? I feel unheard. How many times have I sat behind the plate and chanted that we literally want the exact opposite of what they’re giving us? Who wants a belly itcher? Of all the things this man is, he is not a pitcher!”
Meanwhile, other fans remain cautiously optimistic about what O’Leary brings to the team. One such woman, Rosalind Marquez, said, “There must be something to it. I’ve always been wary of Snell. That man didn’t scratch his crotch, spit chew on the mound, or lose a thumb because he couldn’t pay a bookie. What sort of baseball player does that? I don’t trust it.”
O’Leary is set to start the 2021 season in Tampa Bay, assuming his parole hearing goes well and he continues paying child support to his three estranged partners, one of whom is a South African gray macaw he married in a Las Vegas drive-thru chapel. Failing those conditions, O’Leary will begin the season pitching over Zoom.