Horoscopes from the worst astrologist on earth: Chris Coon – Week of December 5, 2021

Aries

The big highlight of your month: 5 total hugs.

Taurus

You’ll kiss a boy for the first time this month. F****t.

Gemini

You’ll manage to pull so much of a blog or podcast out of the next job that will fire you.

Cancer

Vampires are real. They told me about you. You specifically. I know about vamps but I’m still stressed about you.

Leo

You will unwittingly assist someone in committing fraud for their family. This will get you into heaven! Go bucs!

Virgo

The bad part isn’t that you steal. It’s how self important you feel while doing it.

Libra

Your future self requests I inform you that it all breaks down. It all burns up. Dust. Go bucs.

Scorpio

Feel bad. You were raised wrong. You’re fucked.

Sagittarius

You have a medically malformed “cut of your jib,” Doctors admit.

Capricorn

You actually should have been born in a different generation. Certainly not this one. Clearly.

Aquarius

You’re God’s voice this week. Nunciate your emotions, baby!

Pisces

Definitely date an idiot this month. He likes you a lot. This isn’t a tweet so it’s def not a subtweet. Obviously not you tho. Like someone else. Obviously this doesn’t apply to you.