The big highlight of your month: 5 total hugs.
You’ll kiss a boy for the first time this month. F****t.
You’ll manage to pull so much of a blog or podcast out of the next job that will fire you.
Vampires are real. They told me about you. You specifically. I know about vamps but I’m still stressed about you.
You will unwittingly assist someone in committing fraud for their family. This will get you into heaven! Go bucs!
The bad part isn’t that you steal. It’s how self important you feel while doing it.
Your future self requests I inform you that it all breaks down. It all burns up. Dust. Go bucs.
Feel bad. You were raised wrong. You’re fucked.
You have a medically malformed “cut of your jib,” Doctors admit.
You actually should have been born in a different generation. Certainly not this one. Clearly.
You’re God’s voice this week. Nunciate your emotions, baby!
Definitely date an idiot this month. He likes you a lot. This isn’t a tweet so it’s def not a subtweet. Obviously not you tho. Like someone else. Obviously this doesn’t apply to you.