How You Can Celebrate Freedom Summer!
Now that Manatee County Commissioner Mike Rahn has taken it upon himself to eliminate the scourge of gay bridges, Tampa Bay residents are free to bask in the celebration of Freedom Summer!
Do you want to get in on all the red, white and blue fun? Sure you do! Here’s some suggestions to try!
PATRONIZE A LEMONADE STAND
It’s always adorable when children take their first taste of capitalism by opening their own little business. It teaches them the merits of earning a reward directly from their hard work! You can help these young entrepreneurs by treating yourself to a frosty glass of lukewarm Kool Aid on a hot Freedom Summer afternoon.
SKINNY DIP IN THE HILLSBOROUGH RIVER
Nothing says freedom in the summertime, or Freedom Summer, like being naked outside and in water. Go ahead and let loose! Just make sure you maintain the 1:1 male-to-female interactivity ratio or else it’s perverted. Probably stay within your race, too. Not that mixed race male-female couples are that weird anymore but many of the people who like being pandered to may find it distasteful and you want to do everything possible to keep them on your side.
WEAR A DUMB T-SHIRT
If you do have to wear clothes, and at some point, you will, even though it’s Freedom Summer, get a fun t-shirt. Something silly and carefree with a goofy, meaningless expression like “Life’s a beach”, only something even more meaningless and somehow stupider. And with a dumb graphic. I mean really empty-headed and pointless. Something that says Freedom Summer. I don’t know what that could be. You’ll probably think of something.
DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST ALLEGATIONS OF MALFEASANCE AND ETHICS VIOLATIONS
Now that the bridge menace has been vanquished, it’s time to address any lingering thoughts that people might have about you and a buddy (who has since resigned after a less than stellar tenure) were accused by a whistleblower of discussing official business outside of a public meeting and only avoided being formally charged because the State Attorney’s Office said it could not find enough evidence to file charges against either of you. And by that, of course we mean start thinking of the next meaningless grandstanding stunt you can pull to distract potential voters. Maybe name a couple of books that should be banned from a local school library. That always seems to work. Let Freedom Summer ring, but not read.
GAMBLE ON A LITTLE LEAGUE GAME
I don’t know if any of the dozens of online gambling sites offer wagering on youth sports, but if they do for table tennis, and they do, then probably. Place bets on not only who will win or lose and whether or not the point spread is covered, but do some so-called prop bets too. Like will any of The Boys of Freedom Summer cry when they get struck out by a girl again because the answer is almost certainly going to be yes.
GAMBLE ON A LEMONADE STAND
Invest heavily in the local lemonade stand, then sabotage it from the inside so it goes out of business and then pocket the profits from that. I don’t know exactly how that works but I saw “The Producers” once a long time ago and I think that kind of thing happens frequently in business. Pretty sure insurance is involved somehow. I don’t really know. Don’t worry about the children; it’s not like they were going to be the brains behind the next Panera Bread or whatever. Kids fail at things all the time, often because they get bored and easily distracted but mostly because they’re dumb and not good at anything. FreeDUMB Summer!
SHOVE A BOMB POP UP MIKE RAHN’S ASS
We were going to suggest a bottle rocket but that’s a little too festive and therefor gay-adjacent. This is safer on several fronts and will last longer into Freedom Summer.
