It has been learned that the Hyatt Regency Clearwater Beach Resort And Spa not only ignored evacuation orders pertaining to Hurricane Idalia and the threat it posed as it passed through the Gulf of Mexico but falsely informed guests that there were no such orders, indicating that there was no such threat and that they were all perfectly safe.
“Okay, first of all this is a luxury, beachfront resort,” said the hotel’s general manager Thomp Jeffson. “People pay up to $300 a night, sometimes more, to relax and escape stress. You know what’s stressful and not relaxing? Danger! That’s why we think of this property as one, big ‘DO NOT DISTURB’ sign.”
He continued, “Secondly and most importantly, this ‘SAFETY’ that everybody is suddenly all concerned about doesn’t put money in our pockets. I’m guessing you don’t know much about the hospitality industry, but empty hotels don’t turn profits and hotels that don’t turn profits don’t pay bonuses to their general managers.”
“Besides, this isn’t the first time we’ve ignored a serious threat and I’m sure it won’t be the last. For instance…
THE U-BOAT INCIDENT
In 2004, a German WWII submarine and a full crew of Nazis that had been stuck in the Bermuda Triangle for 60 years freed itself and came up here and attacked the hotel with torpedoes. We didn’t tell anyone. At the end of a long afternoon of that, they finally realized their mistake and quit. Most of them wound up moving to Tampa and St. Pete and started their own Nazi families.
THE CRISS ANGEL INCIDENT
Criss Angel came to Clearwater Beach in 2008 and filmed a stunt for his TV show where he escaped from another hotel that was being demolished. There really wasn’t a lot of threat to our guests life and limbs, but it was a dumb stunt that didn’t even look cool on TV once it was edited. We knew it was going to be a huge waste of time but we didn’t share that info with our guests.
THE KRAKEN INCIDENT
In 2015, one of our busboys reported a giant sea monster on the beach but it turns out he was super-high and what he saw was one of those coat hooks that kind of resembles a two-legged octopus with googly eyes. Not only did we keep that to ourselves, but we didn’t even fire that busboy. In fact, he was promoted. I know that for a fact; because I was that busboy.”