Tampa News Force (TNF), which was not recently purchased by an unnamed local millionaire following a clandestine meeting that probably didn’t even take place behind the Boost Mobile store, has endorsed David Straz for mayor of Tampa and whatever else he wants to do beyond that.
“Strazzy is just the best,” said TNF founding member, John Jacobs, from behind the wheel of his brand new Mercedes Benz convertible.
“I call him ‘Strazzy’ because it rhymes with jazzy, which is not something I would normally say about someone who is technically my boss, would I?” Jacobs then peeled of, executed three donuts in the middle of traffic before taking off through the smoke and into the distance.
Other TNF founder Josh Santos kind of echoed the sentiment. “Are you saying TNF has sold out? TNF would never sell out! How dare you even suggest such a thing, you worthless book critic!,” he said as he bit into a slice of solid gold pizza with pepperoni and diamonds and immediately declaring, “Ow! Somehow I thought this would be a good idea.”
Weatherman, Matty P. Bills says, “All right, all right, I’ll say it; Castor is the best… Wait. Straz? Okay, Straz is the best qualified mayoral candidate. Now can I please go to sleep? It’s been days. My ears are ringing and yesterday I started hallucinating. Aahhh! No more sirens!! Please!!”
In a completely unrelated move, the TNF organization announced it has hired Anderson Cooper and will now broadcast 24/7 attack ads against Jane Castor.