Local babies protest gigantic headbands

A tightly organized coalition of babies who were all born at Tampa General Hospital are protesting head bands with bows and flowers that are being placed on their heads against their will.

“CIS Female babies. Get it right”, said Amanda, the lady baby leader. “Males aren’t being subjected to this degradation and oppression. So typical.”

“I… I don’t understand. I just think she looks cute with a big, happy sunflower on her head. What’s the problem?”, said Christina Anderson, the mother of a 6-month-old baby girl named Marie, who gets ‘fussy’ every time she wears the headband in question.

“The problem is that at this stage in our development, our heads are already disproportionately larger than the rest of our bodies”, said little adorable baby Marie. “Now you’re going to draw even more attention to that by attaching an even larger accessory to our enormous skulls? Stop cranium-shaming us!”

She added, “Making matters worse, again because of where we are in terms of our development, we lack the motor skills and coordination to remove these offensive ornaments of subjugation ourselves. We also lack the ability to express ourselves verbally so protest is really our only option… Oops, I mean, goo goo ga ga. Waah”, before spitting up some Pedialyte and strained pears.

The group is demonstrating their discontent by crying loudly all the time, because they’re babies and not because they’re women. I need to be sure that’s clearly understood.