Local rapper spirals after losing Best Mayor award
Despite winning Best Spoken Word Artist, Best Cover Band, and coming in 2nd place for Best Hip-Hop Act, the once community-friendly, wholesome rapper, Jon Ditty has spiraled out of control after losing the Best of the Bay award for Best Mayor, specifically indulging in hard drugs and llama incest.
Ditty who recently released his new single “Idiocracy” which was featured in Creative Loafing, went from being a beloved underground rapper, playing shows all over the Tampa Bay Area, to being a strung-out heroin junkie who’s engaging in acts of beastiality.
“Ditty and I used to be friends before his life started spiraling out of control. The llama thing was really the end of the road for me. That guy should have never been nominated mayor…”, said friend and producer Stick Martin of Monkey House Studios who has worked on numerous projects with Ditty.
Ditty’s influence runs deep through Tampa’s roots which make his troubling issues exceptionally dire. Even I personally have worked with Jon Ditty, writing and shooting a music video for the renowned song, “U-Haul at the Strip Club” which appeared on my 40-track experimental collaboration comedy-music album with Stick Martin, “Summer at Southside.”
Since his loss, Ditty has been seen carousing the streets at all hours of the day, completely fried out of his mind, snapping in and out of impromptu renditions of some of his most successful tracks such as “Safe Music” and “Natural Selection”
“We were just eating at Dunedin Brewery in Dunedin when we saw Ditty stumbling down the block and we waved to him and he immediately ripped one of his own dreads out, lit it on fire, and threw it at us, as he freestyle rapped what was otherwise a quite impressive, beautiful, melody.” Said Jennit Bunyon, local woodchipper technician who happened to be dining with his life partner.
How the beastiality became an issue no one really knows.
“He bought a llama from me online, and I shipped it to his place, and then the rumor was his neighbors could hear him making love to it late at night, and apparently the cops even had to intervene one night, but because he’s so beloved, they just let him back out, and he went back to doing it again. My source told me the cops have been called 55 times now, and nobody really knows what to do.”
As Ditty quickly runs out of social currency and loses all good standing with the citizens of Tampa, all we can do is stand back and watch the crash and burn of a once great artist who could not handle the weight of defeat after losing a title he seemingly never deserved in the first place.
“Why is he so upset he lost ‘Best Mayor?’” Said Monica Weinshtagger, a young girl who happened to be watching Ditty currently biting the bark off a palm tree.
“I’m not sure,” I responded. “I guess he really believed he could win best mayor despite not being a mayor, or any sort of politician at that.” I said.
“Maybe it’s because it wasn’t about winning the award, but the true feeling of ‘mayor’ is in your heart, and to not win the award he felt like they stole his heart out of his body.” Weinshtagger innocently suggested and blushed.
“No… No, that’s probably not it.” I concernedly reacted to her sentence.
Despite his degenerative behavior, doctors are predicting Ditty will make a full recovery whenever his cognitive abilities return and new music will most definitely be on the way.
