Matt Rife has sex with Beyonce and Taylor Swift

Matt Rife, known as a comic’s comic, amongst the stand up community, is making headlines after engaging in a threesome sex act alongside pop star powerhouse, Taylor Swift, and mega smash hit super star Beyonce.

Some people are surprised, some aren’t, some people are asking about Pete Davidson for some reason.

Oh, sorry, I forgot, I shouldn’t be speaking so casually, I work at an office for Chris’ sakes.

I should be forming sentences like, “Sentences are being formed currently at the moment.”

Now that’s Newsy!

Ok, this one was a total bomb, I see it too.

It’s the first one in a few… years.

Everything else you’ve read from me was written in a drug-fueled 12-hour haze while I was working as a manager at Staples in Puerto Rico.

I was on break, I was supposed to come back in 30 minutes, but I sat in the break room in the back and did so many whippets that time slowed down when The Flash made that time ball or whatever that stood time still, so it was like that and I wrote 529 articles in 12 hours through a voice-to-speech program, I just rambled like a mad man at a million miles an hour and wrote everything I’ve written so far at once, and I’ve kind of been coasting on that for a while, the slow drip of them all. It’s like a heroine hit, something I also immensely enjoyed in my old life.

Ah, the old life. Great times we had there. Honestly, the new life is starting to feel a lot like the old life, and to be square with you, I really like it.

All the classics are making appearances again such as [REDACTED] and [REDACTED].

The point is, Matt Rife is great, I love him, good for him, I couldn’t be happier, I watched his last special assuming I’d hate it, I thought it was great, I like what he’s doing I hope he can stay hot for the rest of his life. He’s good. I will sign something that says I believe that. I have no problem admitting it. Millions of people aren’t wrong. Wait, ok, millions of people can technically be wrong it’s happened many times before like people trusting the [REDACTED] when clearly it still needed to be developed before it was ready for human use. And some people are saying babies are being born with [REDACTED].

The point is I love Matt Rife, and that’s what this article was all intended to make you know. That I think he’s great, and you know, jokes are jokes, and like, we can all just joke and stuff together, you know what I mean?

Imagine there’s no judgement… It’s easy if you try.

Alright, oh yea, the article was about he f***ed those two women. Yea! Good for him! Wooo, nice!

You wish you could too, don’t lie! Stop playing!