It’s that time again, HURRICANE SEASON! When compared to previous years, this year’s forecast says that we can look forward to more tropical storm activity than usual, or less, or about the same. The list of things you need to have on hand to be prepared for this potentially lethal summer season is extensive. Like way extensive. But for the sake of those with short attention spans, here are the Top 5…
Bottled water is the only kind anybody even drinks anymore. You get it all the time, you just need more of it in case you can’t get to the store or if the store isn’t able to open. Good news here is the Hillsborough River is full of all the fresh water you could ever need and it’s all FREE! Just go down there with your own empty bottles and cart some home with you.
You might be without power for a while and that means that not only will the food in your ‘fridge spoil, you also won’t even be able to cook what is salvageable. Easy fix: canned food that’s delicious straight out of the room-temperature can. Like Rose-brand Pork Brains with Milk Gravy, which you can get from Amazon for just $42.98 for four cans! Every word of that title is delicious. There’s no product description because the manufacturer doesn’t give a fuck; you’re either gonna eat them or you’re not. And when it comes down to it, you’re gonna eat them.
A RADIO AND SOME BATTERIES
This is a must-have so you can get weather updates and emergency information. Plus, you can get other up-to-date, contemporary content that only the medium of terrestrial radio can offer: sports, news, call-in talk shows and comedy programs where white people pretend to be Negroes.
PLYWOOD AND SPRAY PAINT
To board up your windows to protect them from flying debris, sure. But to also paint potentially ironic messages like “FUCK OFF (storm name here)” before (storm name here) fucks up your home and then later, “HELP US PLEASE (insurance company name here)”.
Without power, how can you pass the time without streaming video services like Hulu, Netflix or Disney+? There’s a simple fix: just hire one of the hundreds of Tampa Bay comedians, not all of whom are angry right-wing hacks who claim to have been in the biz for over 40 years but have exactly one schtick and nothing else to show for it besides a slew of open mic appearances, to perform live for you, your friends and your family in your own home! You can probably get most of them to do it for a can of Rose-brand Pork Brains In Milk Gravy.