Hey, remember when MTV actually played MUSIC? Remember when ESPN actually played SPORTS? Remember when The Learning Channel actually learned things? Remember when newspapers were made out of paper, not internets?
Let’s get right to the TNF news of the week. Unlike Millennials, we don’t have time for a bunch of mumbo jumbo.
Monday, March 2
5 signs you may have Coronavirus – What is this, some kind of SICK JOKE? You now, not a sick joke, a sick joke. Come on!
Technology-phobic man trapped in public restroom – Hey, what are a computer’s favorite snacks? Microchips, phish sticks, and cookies. But just a few bytes of each.
Tuesday, March 3
Overpopulation of turtles result of straw ban – What kind of jokes to sea turtles tell? Shell-arious ones! Oh, shell-ax.
Seffner sinkholes turned into Top Golf – My golf game is okay, but I still stand too close to the ball after I hit it.
State officials withheld Coronavirus info – After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.” What’s funny about that is I don’t have a wife nor a daughter!
Wednesday, March 4
Tampa to demolish low income neighborhood to build tacky sculpture commemorating minorities – Man, minorities get everything.
Sandwiches demand politicization – Where’s the best place to get sandwiches in India? New Delhi, you moron.
Thursday, March 5
Wrestling fan orgasms to death – Why do so many women fake orgasms? Because so many men fake foreplay
City of Tampa prepares for March events, keeping citizen safety in mind – I hope they plan to add more crossing guards. Why did the crossing guard cross the street? Because that’s his job!
Friday, March 6
Tampa Airport to unveil behavior modification art work – I once bought an old aircraft, took the wings off, and turned it into a restaurant beside the airport terminal. It didn’t take off.
Punk band has gig cancelled due to drawing ‘unfavorable element’ – Speaking of punk rock, What do you call a one-legged gingerbread man? A Limp Bizkit.
Saturday, March 7
Rick Scott Challenges Goldberg for the Universal Championship at Wrestlemania – Didja hear the joke about Rick Scott overseeing the largest health care fraud in U.S. history? Plot twist: it’s not a joke!
Tampa Area Strippers Concerned About Corona Virus – What’s the difference between a dead stripper and a Cadillac? I don’t have a garage. Wait. I might have messed that one up.