Mental Health Professional Weighs in on ‘Man or Bear’ Question

There is currently a lot of discussion about a hypothetical scenario/thought experiment in which women are asked “Would you rather be alone in the woods with a man or a bear?”, with a seemingly surprising number of respondents (at least to men) choosing the bear.

In order to get to the bottom of this viral phenomenon, we consulted a world-renowned mental health physician, Dr. Kaf Enema, which he insists is his real name and not a silly, and frankly, uninspired anagram.

Dr. Enema: You may address me as Dr. Enema, which is a procedure in which a hose is inserted…
TNF: Yeah, okay. Got it. So the obvious question is are women just being sarcastic when choosing the bear in this scenario? Because many insist they’re being sincere.
Dr. Enema: (looks around, appearing not to be paying attention)
TNF: Dr. Enema?
Dr. Enema: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t hear my name so I was unaware to whom your tedious query was addressed.
TNF: All right, Dr. Enema. We were wondering…
Dr. Enema: Silence. I heard you the first time. 
TNF: Okay, so?
Dr. Enema: First principles. Simplicity. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing ask: what is it in itself? What is its nature? What does it do, this… bear you seek?
TNF: Mauls and eats people?
Dr. Enema: No. That is incidental. What is the first and principal thing it does? What needs does it serve by mauling and eating?
TNF: Anger, um, social acceptance, and, huh, sexual frustrations…
Dr. Enema: No! It covets. That is its nature. And how do we begin to covet? Do we seek out things to covet?
TNF: Umm, yeah?
Dr. Enema: No. We begin by coveting what we see every day. Bears covet honey. Women like being called honey. First principles. Simplicity. Read Winnie The Pooh.
TNF: That… doesn’t seem like a real answer.
Dr. Enema: Oh, I’m sorry. I have a degree from Salisbury University in Maryland; where did you go to college?
TNF: …
Dr. Enema: You fly back to Tampa, now, News Force. Fly, fly, fly…