MLB installs Bitch Clock at Tropicana Field

Major League Baseball (MLB) is implementing a number of changes for the 2023 season, including rule changes, larger bases and a clock that will limit time taken between pitches. One of these changes will be specific to Tampa Bay Rays games at Tropicana Field.

In order to facilitate complaints about the much-maligned domed home stadium of the Tampa Bay Rays, MLB has installed “bitch clocks” near the bullpens along the baselines in right and left field.

“If fans go more than five minutes without whining about something at the Trop, a warning is issued in the form of a gentle vibration sent to their seats,” said MLB spokesperson Loretta Slider. “10 minutes, and it’s a severe electric shock.”

“I think this is going to be great,” said Michael Snackson of Gulfport, a self-described ‘superfan’ who attends as many as three games a year and ignores television coverage of the team the rest of the time. “I complain the whole time I’m there and this will speed up that whole process.”

“Younger people tend to have shorter attention spans so hopefully, it’ll introduce hating the Rays to a whole new generation of fans.”

“That’s exactly right”, said Slider. “The idea that you could be sitting there, having a perfectly nice time, watching the Rays while eating a hot dog and drinking a beer, when suddenly, ZAP! ‘Ow! My ass hurts! What the hell?’”

“‘Oh yeah; I’m at the Trop.’”

Areas of complaint will include but not be limited to ticket and food prices, parking, roster composition, moves made by manager Kevin Cash, the ballpark itself and how it would be better if it was in Tampa.

The shocking is designed to make fans opinions of the team and stadium to be even more negative in order to assist owner Stuart Sternberg’s ongoing efforts to move the team out of St. Petersburg.

“Frankly, knowing the history of Rays fans, we don’t expect the added motivation to be necessary very often,” Slider said.