NFL Officially Designates New Position

After years of contributions from lovable big guys, the National Football League (NFL) has designated Lovable Big Guy (LGB) an official position effective immediately.

A template perfected by William “Refrigerator” Perry of the Chicago Bears in 1985 of oversized defensive linemen being used in certain offensive situations has been adapted by various teams over the years, and teams will now be required to have at least one of them on their rosters.

”We’re finally getting around to officially acknowledging players who have always been in the league and contributing to their team’s success, whether or not people were aware; the LBGs,” said Greg Monsoon, a spokesperson for the NFL. “And by that, I mean Lovable Big Guys. The only representative of the other kind of LGB we’re willing to acknowledge at this point is Carl Nassib and he’s retired.”

The classification applies to defensive players who are at least 6’3” tall and over 325 pounds who unconventionally participate on offense by blocking, carrying the ball and/or catching passes. The player fulfilling that role for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers is defensive tackle Vita Vea, who participated as an offensive player in Sunday’s 30-7 win over the New York Giants in New Jersey. Players are not required to be of Samoan heritage, “but it would probably help”, said Monsoon.

Beyond the on-field responsibilities, the LBG is expected to be affable and willing to be photographed smiling with baby animals or riding small bicycles among other scenarios that highlight the player’s considerable size and good nature.

Asked if it was fair to describe the demeanor of these players as “jolly”, Monsoon said, “no, that’s condescending and big, fat, surprisingly athletic lardasses consider it hate speech and we’re sensitive to their concerns.”