A turtle who lives in the retention pond at the Grande Oasis at Carrollwood apartment complex off Himes Avenue in Tampa is deeply insulted by remarks offered by CNN’s Anderson Cooper following a press conference from President Donald Trump earlier this evening.
“That is the president of the United States,” Cooper said. “That is the most powerful person in the world, and we see him like an obese turtle on his back, flailing in the hot sun, realizing his time is over.”
“Come on, man. That’s not cool”, said the turtle, who is unnamed. “We don’t have names. We’re turtles. I guess you could call me Timmy if you have to.”
Timmy said, “None of that was necessary. Okay, so I have a weight problem. I’m fully aware. Like I’m the only one in America dealing with that? I’m working on it! What he calls ‘flailing’, my personal trainer calls ‘crunches’. Hello! Fat shame much, Anderson?”
“What do the initials ‘CNN’ stand for? ‘Constantly Not Nice’?”, he said. “You can use that if you want.”
Timmy took a big bite of lettuce… “Oh, you’re going to comment on how big a bite I take? It’s fucking lettuce, not a pepperoni pizza. What is it with you people in the media??”
He went on to say, “If I’m being honest, the fat stuff doesn’t really bother me much. I hear worse from ducks and fish all the time. I’ve been subject to that for years. I’ve developed a thick shell.” I started to laugh, but he shot me a glance that told me he wasn’t trying to be funny.
“But drawing a direct comparison to Donald Trump? That’s over the line and I won’t stand for it.”
He concluded by issuing a demand, “Anderson Cooper has 24 hours to apologize to me or I’m heading to Atlanta to confront him, face-to-face. We’ll see what he has to say then! If I leave tomorrow, I should be there some time around February of 2026. Yeah, I’m slow.I’m a turtle. I get it. Jesus. It never ends with you guys.”