This upcoming Wednesday, Pasco circuit courts are set to hear arguments from Connor Thirdgill over the apparent lack of nudity in adult coloring books he purchased from a local bookstore. While some may view his lawsuit as frivolous, some legal scholars believe Thirdgill may have standing and a legitimate case.
While no legal scholars are willing to represent him, Tristan Dartmouth the Third, Esquire, said, on condition of anonymity, “There’s precedent with this case. In the case of Pussy vs. Ferguson, a judge ruled in favor of an inordinately thirsty degenerate that his sexual frustration was a cause of psychological distress. And, while false advertising claims are extremely difficult to prove, the publisher will have to prove that, at a minimum, Mr. Thirdgill was aroused while coloring. And I just don’t think any adult man likes unicorns that much.”
“Look, I’m not a creep or nothing,” said Thirdgill. “But I honestly feel like if you’re going to sell adult coloring books, I should at least see some bush. It’s not unreasonable. My balls are as blue as this crayon,” he said, holding up a clearly crimson crayon.
A spokesperson for the publisher, TherapyWorx Publishing of Sarasota, responded to the complaint by saying, “Mr. Thirdgill has a fundamental misunderstanding of the purpose of an adult coloring book. The only intended purpose of our publications is that they be used by mature people. While we can make no claims about the maturity of any of our customers, we believe that Mr. Thirdgill is an adult. And, should this go to trial, our lawyers are very confident that Mr. Thirdgill’s voting ID, driver’s license, and insurmountable financial debt every American not born into generational wealth is required to carry ‘til their dying breath should be irrefutable proof that Mr. Thirdgill is, beyond a reasonable doubt, the target audience for adult coloring books. Mr. Thirdgill is sufficiently mature to have made these purchases and enjoyed our product for its intended purpose.”
Thirdgill replied to this statement by saying, “Mature? At least give me some milfs, and at a bare minimum a cougar. What are we even talking about? This whole time my Keystone Light’s getting warm. These trials take long? Judge Judy usually wraps ‘bout 20 minutes. Just give me my jugs and some crayons to color in nips with. I got things to do.”
The court will ultimately determine if Thirdgill is entitled to damages in the amount of a 64 pack of Crayola 64 crayons (heavy on flesh tones and with the sharpener) and the emotional distress from, quote, “not even being kind of chubbed up while coloring in a butterflies, mushrooms and other dorky bullshit.”