Posts by Stephen Henry
Millennial Cafe to Open Across From Tampa’s GenX Tavern: Boasts “Slurs of the Times”
Inspired by the success of the GenX Tavern in Tampa, Josh Gunderson, thirty-eight and perpetually confused about why boomers still call children “millennials”, is opening a Millennial Cafe. And, although the rent on the space is significantly higher than that of the GenX Tavern for a much smaller space, Gunderson promises the amenities will be…
Read MoreJudge: Pasco County “Move Over” Law Also Applies to Keith’s Slip ‘N Slide
If you’ve driven down US-19 in New Port Richey this past summer, you’ve likely noticed the bright yellow object in the left turn lane by the Publix. The long, slick plastic tarp is actually a homemade Slip ‘N Slide which belongs to Keith Bolling, resident of the trailer park across the street. Some citizens deemed…
Read MorePinellas Park Woman Stabs Man at ‘Murder Mystery Dinner Theater’, Claims She Was “Helping the Show”
Last Saturday at the Murder Mystery Dinner Theater, which is in a repurposed Toys “R” Us in Bradenton, a woman became embroiled in a heated exchange with an actor during a live performance. The apparent cause of the altercation? Undercooked mozzarella sticks. “The middle of momma’s appetizer was frozen. And I mean solid!” said Jaydlen…
Read MorePasco County Elementary School On Lockdown After CRT Education Threat
This morning, police responded to an anonymous call that a teacher may have been involved in teaching children about critical race theory. The situation resulted in an hours-long lockdown and parents being notified of the potential risk to their children. As police setup a perimeter, parents looked on in terror at the possibility that their…
Read MoreReview: “Historic Gaslight Cafe” in Ybor Even Better Than I Remember
Local chef, Andrew Washburn, has opened a hip new restaurant in the heart of Ybor called the Historic Gaslight Cafe. The location is somewhat of a challenge to find, though, as the sign out front appears to be for a typewriter store. Nestled in a dark, poorly lit alley with a rusty chain-link fence which…
Read MoreGameStop Stock Lingo Offends Riverview Man with Literal Diamond Hands
A man in Riverview, Florida, believes Reddit users like xXx_CatJizz_xXx, YOLO4DatHoleO, and The.Absolutely.Real.Chris.Conner.Who.Works.At.The.Costco.In.Fairfax.Virginia1 are being insensitive about his rare birth defect. On the “WallStreetBets” subreddit, users use the term “diamond hands” to refer to retail investors who hold heavily shorted stocks such as GameStop, AMC, and Bed Bath and Beyond without any regard for day-to-day…
Read More“Honest” Car Dealer in Pasco Cheats on Wife with Inflatable Green Tube Man
The owner of Honest Jim’s Automotive, Keith “Honest Jim” Turlingham, recently found himself embroiled in a sex scandal. Reports have been received that Turlingham has been in a months-long affair with an employee at his dealership – an eight foot tall inflatable green tube man that the staff has taken to calling “Murray”. “Yeah, Keith…
Read MoreGovernor DeSantis Proposes Florida Immigration Test
As more and more people flock to Florida, Governor Ron DeSantis seeks to slow migration from other states by implementing a comprehensive immigration exam. In order to take up permanent, legal residence in the state of Florida, applicants will have to successfully pass a battery of tests that the Governor colloquially refers to as “The…
Read MoreNew Port Richey Residents to Ring In 2021 By Spitting Directly in Each Other’s Mouths
In a crowded biker bar in New Port Richey, patrons get ready for tonight’s New Year’s Eve bash by doing anything they can to get their salivary glands stimulated. And the owners of the Sickly Rat Tavern and Motorcycle Club are more than happy to help. “We’ve laid out quite the spread,” said Keith Calhoun,…
Read MoreTampa Bay Rays to Trade Blake Snell for World-Renowned Belly Itcher
In a startling turn of events, the management of the Tampa Bay Rays has decided to trade away their star pitcher from last season, Blake Snell, 28. In return, fans can expect to see a new starting player, Mikey O’Leary, a wily upstart from an unnamed farm team out of Dubuque, Iowa. When asked if…
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