Posts by Stephen Henry
Review: “Historic Gaslight Cafe” in Ybor Even Better Than I Remember
Local chef, Andrew Washburn, has opened a hip new restaurant in the heart of Ybor called the Historic Gaslight Cafe. The location is somewhat of a challenge to find, though, as the sign out front appears to be for a typewriter store. Nestled in a dark, poorly lit alley with a rusty chain-link fence which…
Read MoreGameStop Stock Lingo Offends Riverview Man with Literal Diamond Hands
A man in Riverview, Florida, believes Reddit users like xXx_CatJizz_xXx, YOLO4DatHoleO, and The.Absolutely.Real.Chris.Conner.Who.Works.At.The.Costco.In.Fairfax.Virginia1 are being insensitive about his rare birth defect. On the “WallStreetBets” subreddit, users use the term “diamond hands” to refer to retail investors who hold heavily shorted stocks such as GameStop, AMC, and Bed Bath and Beyond without any regard for day-to-day…
Read More“Honest” Car Dealer in Pasco Cheats on Wife with Inflatable Green Tube Man
The owner of Honest Jim’s Automotive, Keith “Honest Jim” Turlingham, recently found himself embroiled in a sex scandal. Reports have been received that Turlingham has been in a months-long affair with an employee at his dealership – an eight foot tall inflatable green tube man that the staff has taken to calling “Murray”. “Yeah, Keith…
Read MoreGovernor DeSantis Proposes Florida Immigration Test
As more and more people flock to Florida, Governor Ron DeSantis seeks to slow migration from other states by implementing a comprehensive immigration exam. In order to take up permanent, legal residence in the state of Florida, applicants will have to successfully pass a battery of tests that the Governor colloquially refers to as “The…
Read MoreNew Port Richey Residents to Ring In 2021 By Spitting Directly in Each Other’s Mouths
In a crowded biker bar in New Port Richey, patrons get ready for tonight’s New Year’s Eve bash by doing anything they can to get their salivary glands stimulated. And the owners of the Sickly Rat Tavern and Motorcycle Club are more than happy to help. “We’ve laid out quite the spread,” said Keith Calhoun,…
Read MoreTampa Bay Rays to Trade Blake Snell for World-Renowned Belly Itcher
In a startling turn of events, the management of the Tampa Bay Rays has decided to trade away their star pitcher from last season, Blake Snell, 28. In return, fans can expect to see a new starting player, Mikey O’Leary, a wily upstart from an unnamed farm team out of Dubuque, Iowa. When asked if…
Read MoreHurricane Laura: New Entrant to 2020 Presidential Election, Running in Hurricane Party
In an unprecedented move, the Category Four hurricane working its way up the Gulf of Mexico, Hurricane Laura, has filed the necessary paperwork to be registered as a third-party candidate for the 2020 U.S. presidential election. Due to beginning her whirlwind tour in the U.S. territory of Puerto Rico, Hurricane Laura is a natural born…
Read MoreUniversity of Tampa Student Won’t Let COVID-19 Keep Her From Ruining Family’s 4th of July
A student at University of Tampa has taken it upon herself to continue making her family’s gatherings unpleasant. Despite being quarantined in Florida, thousands of miles from her parents’ house in Topeka, Kansas, Brittani Meyerson is determined to give her father a “like, wild ass headache. Maybe even, like, a stroke?” Meyerson, a junior majoring…
Read MoreYbor City to Host First Annual “Running of the Gators”
In an attempt to lift citizens’ spirits after quarantine, the Ybor City Chamber of Commerce is sponsoring the inaugural “Running of the Gators”. The event is set to take place on 7th Ave, right in the heart of Ybor, during a randomly selected and unannounced Saturday night. The run will begin sharply around 10 P.M.…
Read MoreMayor Jane Castor extends Tampa curfew to include mandatory bedtime
In light of the riots that took place over the weekend, Mayor Jane Castor felt it necessary to implement a citywide curfew. Citizens of Tampa have been ordered to remain in their homes from 7:30 PM to 6 AM. However, people continued to freely assemble and protest state-sanctioned abuses of power. And, because of this,…
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