Publix Introduces Card Minimum

After increasing prices across the board on every day items, one of the largest grocery store chains in Florida has announced new minimums for customers paying with a card.

“We are tired of losing money when people come to our store to buy two or three items they can’t get at our competitors location,” said new Publix CEO Kevin Murphy. “From now on, if you want to walk into a Publix and pay with a card, it’s gotta be at least $10.”

Many customers who purchase Publix subs exclusively are complaining that meeting the new minimum is unrealistic.

“My sandwich is $6.50, and they never have the drinks I want in the one hard to find drink cooler,” said Mylnus Yurtard. “My construction job only gives me 10 minutes to go to Publix, get a sandwich made, eat it and drink something before going back to building apartments I will never be able to afford.”

The CEO of Publix claims this is not a cash grab, claiming that the billions in profit they make goes right back into the company.

“I don’t get to any of the thousands of millions of dollars we make. That all goes towards clear cutting forests to lay down asphalt and build ugly concrete buildings in the middle of nowhere,” said Murphy. “But if we get more locations open and people have no other option I’ll finally be rich enough to have a covered swimming pool in the middle of nowhere.”