Rays fan’s plan for side chick met with disapproval from fiancée

Tropicana Field – Pinellas County – Wednesday, 7.10.19

Diehard Tampa Bay Rays fan Kyle Atkins would like to start seeing other women but his fiancée Caitlyn Lancaster isn’t happy about it.

“I’m confident it’s an amazing idea,’’ Atkins says. “Every turn, every what-if, what-if, what-if, only leads to more opportunity, more sex acts that Caitlyn simply refuses to even consider, more joys.’’

Ms. Lancaster replied, “Kyle is out of his mind. If he wants to hook up with Rachel (a mutual acquaintance of Atkins and Lancaster), fine. All he has to do is break up with me. I’ll give his ring back, along with his Austin Meadows jersey and he can bang that skank anytime he wants.”

Atkins says that’s not his intention. “To be clear, this is not a staged exit,’’ he said. “That thought has never entered my mind. This is not me taking even one glance toward any kind of meaningful relationship with Rachel. I rejected that idea years ago and I continue to reject that idea today. Also, the Yankees suck.” 

Rachel (last name unknown) was initially unavailable for comment but did call me back to scream, “Who is she calling a skank?!?” on my voice mail.

Atkins went on to say, “This is not a page out of a playbook to gain leverage. I am focused on this plan. I am focused on how I can thrive here with Caitlyn at our townhouse in Palma Ceia as well as Rachel at the La Quinta by the airport a couple of times a week. This is about Caitlyn keeping me and Rachel having me as well — a permanent arrangement, a generational commitment to both women.’’

Bryan Lancaster, Caitlyn’s father, who initially dismissed the plan, said Tuesday he would be willing to talk about it, kind of, with caveats.

“If Kyle wishes to formally explore this concept with me and his desire to use this other whore for the kind of degrading sex acts that I can’t even bring my myself to imagine my daughter participating in, I am willing to listen,’’ Mr. Lancaster said in a statement. “My wife and I have already shelled out close to five figures in planning Caitlyn’s wedding and that’s money we can’t get back. If we have to get creative to get this done without me wasting even more money, let’s work it out. I hate the Red Sox.” 

Rachel called back to say, “I am not a whore!”