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REPORT: City’s efforts to fend off Taylor Swift have failed

Giant Taylor

Tampa City Emergency Officials have announced that in spite of their best efforts that they have been unable to contain Taylor Swift and that citizens should take necessary steps to save themselves because the city is in imminent danger.

“We thought that we had her contained within Raymond James Stadium, the area’s biggest – and frankly best, in terms of management and other factors – sports and entertainment facility,” said Tampa Police Chief Lee Bercaw. “But it can’t hold her. No place can.”

“Our first indication that it was going to be worse than we had planned came when we saw what she did to traffic yesterday,” he said, referencing snarled roads in every direction all around the wonderful stadium that really is so much better managed and well cared-for than all the other local sports facilities.

Former Tampa Mayor Jane Castor said, “We tried to take steps to get in front of this situation. We directed local media to devote virtually non-stop coverage to her and her shows for the past two weeks. We gave her the key to the city. Then we escalated things by giving her my job and making her the mayor of Tampa. None of that was enough. It didn’t satisfy her. If anything, it made her hungrier for more.”

“Now she’s 180′ tall, shoots lasers from her mouth and will stop at nothing to get whatever she wants which is, well, whatever she wants. Her lust for power is insatiable and a wake of mayhem and destruction with countless deaths and massive property damage is inevitable at this point. The city will be a complete and total loss,” added Castor. “And on top of all that, I’m out of a job, which blows.”

Asked what, if any, actions Tampa residents can take to protect themselves, their families and property, Chief Bercaw said, “Well, to ‘…Get Ready For It‘, don’t be an ‘Anti-Hero‘. She’s now ‘Bigger Than The Whole Sky‘ and is going to leave this area a ‘Blank Space‘. Remember to ‘Breathe‘, hop in your ‘Getaway Car‘, say ‘Bye Bye Baby‘ and get at least ‘22‘ miles away because ‘It’s Time To Go‘. ‘Don’t Blame Me‘ and ‘Call It What You Want‘ but it’s ‘Better Than Revenge‘ or ‘Death By A Thousand Cuts‘.”

“Sorry. I just love her music though,” he added. “God have mercy on our souls.”

Clark Brooks

About Clark Brooks

Senior Supreme Executive Premium Content Editor for Tampa News Force. Comedian, writer and ordained minister. Twitter: @ClarkBrooks | Instagram:@ClarkBrooks54