Rich People in Tampa are Exempted from Quarantine

While much of Florida begins a quarantine that hopes to stop the spread of COVID-19, people with incomes greater than $35,000 a year are celebrating the fact that they are too rich to contract the virus. 

“I’m not rich,” said Shairy Woods, a woman who works two jobs and barely makes $36,000 a year.  “I got off work the other day and when I got home, the cops knocked on my door to give me a coupon for one free Coronavirus removal.”

Woods then showed us the coupon, which looked like it was written with crayon on a ripped-up piece of cardboard. The coupon said: ‘You’r good, you have enough money that you can’t get it. – Gov Ron DeSantis’

As part of a new initiative that hopes to contain the spread of the virus within the poor neighborhoods in Florida, the people who make a living wage in Hillsborough County have been granted special anti-virus properties only accessible by the number on your 2019 tax return.

“We see this as a great opportunity to cleanse the neighborhoods of less desirable folk,” said Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. “Honestly I can’t believe they’ve survived this long on $8.46 an hour.”

When asked how the coupons will protect people from the virus, Governor DeSantis said, “They will not. Nothing will protect us from it and anyone telling you otherwise is lying to you.”

The meeting with the governor then got very serious, and he continued, “If you think you are not going to be affected by this virus, you are sadly mistaken.”