Andrea Warren of Tampa was recently pulled over and cited for an illegal u-turn by a police officer while sitting at a red light on north Dale Mabry at Waters Avenue.
The officer, who identified himself as Captain Donny SeRantis with a law enforcement agency he refused to identify, said, “When you flagrantly violate traffic laws, when you make yourself above the traffic laws, you have violated traffic laws, you have neglected your duty to operate a vehicle safely and you are displaying a lack of competence to be able to perform the duties of driving a car.”
“But I wasn’t even moving. I was waiting to turn left on to Waters,” said Warren, who has stickers for both WMNF and Rage Against The Machine on the back of her car. “Besides, u-turns aren’t even illegal at that intersection. There are no signs posted, anyway.”
“I don’t think the people of Hillsborough County want to have a driver that is basically ‘woke‘, where she’s deciding that her view of traffic laws means certain laws shouldn’t be enforced,” responded Captain SeRantis, wearing, upon closer inspection, what looked like a homemade police uniform.
“There is no case I’m aware of where Ms. Warren attempted to make a u-turn,” said Clearwater First Amendment attorney and mustache enthusiast Luke Lirot. “So at this point, it’s directly retaliatory for some other possible political agenda. It just seems to me to be outrageous that the officer would take these steps to cite a properly licensed driver simply because that officer suspected that she might be doubling back to get to the Wal-Mart Supercenter rather than Gong Cha Tampa for some delicious bubble tea.”
However, another legal expert, assistant professor of criminal justice at Saint Leo University and Jeff Dunham ventriloquist puppet Joseph Cillo said, “Yeah, I could get a real job. I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart. What the hell’s so funny? Welcome to Wal-Mart. Get your shit and get out! Have a nice day!”
Another party with a direct interest in the matter is Warren’s 88-year-old grandmother Bessie. “Andrea was bringing me some groceries and she got here very late because she was pulled over by the policeman. I have other grandchildren, but I specifically elected… I’m sorry, I meant selected; I’m very elderly, tee hee… I specifically selected Andrea to fulfill that function for me,” she said. “I don’t understand how someone in a position of limited authority can just arbitrarily override a decision I make of my own free will as a registered voter and citizen of Hillsborough County.”
Meanwhile, Captain SeRantis, wearing a holster with at least 5 guns on it, said he will continue to do whatever he feels is necessary to uphold his interpretation of various laws.
“I’m a loner. I don’t need back up. I’m getting too old for this shit,” he said before slamming his badge down on a desk and adding, “I’m not giving cops a bad name, I’m a bad name who is a cop.”