Shockingly Qualified Chronister Nominated to Head DEA

Competent law enforcement officer and reasonable human being Chad Chronister, the Sheriff of Hillsborough County, has been nominated by President-elect Donald Trump to lead the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA).

Compared to other names that have been considered for high level positions in the new administration, such as Steven Miller, Elon Musk, Vivek Ramaswamy, Dr. Mehmet Oz, Tulsi Gabbard, Linda McMahon, Pete Hegseth, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Matt Gaetz and Marco Rubio, Chronister seems unqualified in that he’s actually qualified.

Chronister has served as the Hillsborough County Sheriff since 2017 and has been with the department for 28 years. He has a bachelor’s degree in criminal justice, a master’s degree in criminology from St. Leo University and is a graduate of the FBI National Academy.

“That’s the thing with President Trump; when you expect him to zig, he… well, he doesn’t zag but he does some other maneuver that nobody could have possibly predicted,” said political pundit Billiam Bluxter. “With Scott Baio, Kevin Sorbo and Ted Nugent still available, who saw this coming? Literally no one.”

As head of the DEA, Chronister would be expected to play a key role in overseeing efforts to interdict drugs from Mexico and fentanyl precursor chemicals from China. He would also oversee the agency’s efforts to reduce demand for illegal drugs by U.S. consumers and to help boost treatment opportunities for them.

Word has it that there were actually other candidates under consideration before Chronister was selected.

“It turns out Nick Fury and The Punisher are not available because they are both fictional characters, which came as a surprise and a huge disappointment,” said an unnamed member of Trump’s presidential transition team.

Based on Chronister’s past performance and the seemingly drastic change in direction of Trump’s selection process, the move has been met with criticism from some conservatives.

“I don’t really know what ‘WOKE’ means but I’ve been told I shouldn’t like it and someone occupying a position of authority who doesn’t cater to religious extremists and makes decisions based on the welfare of people who exist outside of a certain, relatively narrow demographic sounds like what I shouldn’t like about it,” said Jub Gublin of Tampa. “If Trump is going to start pandering to radical extremists, I’m gonna stop wearing my MAGA hat and sneakers while reading my Lee Greenwood bible.”