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State officials withheld Coronavirus info

Florida Health Dept

Florida state government officials waited for more than 24 hours before announcing confirmed cases of the Coronavirus after learning of two such cases on Saturday.

State Surgeon General Scott Rivkees told reporters at a press conference in Tampa on Monday morning, “We became aware of this Saturday evening,” before adding “How was I supposed to know that this is something the public would want to know about? Is it on anyone’s radar? Are people anywhere even talking about this at all? Oh, they are? Shit. Well, I just figured they’d find out, one way or another, eventually. My bad, dog.”

Governor Ron DeSantis defended the delay, stating, “Listen, everyone knows it’s hard to get stuff done on Saturdays in Florida, because we are passionate about our college football. Go Gators or whoever!”, and made a Heisman trophy pose. When it was pointed out that college football season ended two months ago, he smiled and said, “I went to Yale” and started eating a brunch that was prepared especially for him.

ABC Action News (channel 28) in Tampa heard reports of a Coronavirus patient in Sarasota Sunday morning, but the Sarasota County Health Department dismissed a reporter’s inquiry, saying it was a hoax.

Steve Huard, a spokesman for the Sarasota branch of the state’s health department blamed an after-hours answering service for providing the ‘hoax’ response. “I can assure you that no one here would have ever referred to COVID-19 (the nerd name for Coronavirus) as a hoax, and staff knows to direct media calls to me. They’re a contract answering service that should be taking messages and forwarding calls, not answering questions. We did not direct them to give those responses.”

Ron ‘Ronnie’ Bisquik, a phone operator in Sarasota says, “I’m not saying I took that call, but I’m not saying I didn’t, okay? But what I AM saying is if it WAS me, I’m out here making $9.35 an hour at a call center, working overnights on a weekend. That’s not exactly an incentive for me to sit there and spin fictional tales like I’m Mark fuckin’ Twain, you know? Fuck outta here with that bullshit, man.”

Clark Brooks

About Clark Brooks

Senior Supreme Executive Premium Content Editor for Tampa News Force. Comedian, writer and ordained minister. Twitter: @ClarkBrooks | Instagram:@ClarkBrooks54