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Tampa to demolish low income neighborhood to build tacky sculpture commemorating minorities

Bulldozer artist

In an effort to hide the poor people living near Downtown Tampa before the Super Bowl comes to town, the Tampa Apartments community outside of Ybor City will be demolished so that a local artist who is friends with one of the City Commissioners can create an incredibly tacky sculpture commemorating the minorities who once occupied the land.

“It’s going to be incredibly large and confusing to look at,” said the self-described ‘Abstract-Culture-Sculpture-Visualizer’ Molystur Childs.  “I’ve had this image in my head of a massive, sprawling, jungle-gym-like monstrosity sitting outside of the gates of Ybor City for many years now.”

Childs closed her eyes and began to hum a vibratic melody while swaying side to side.

HUMM, ZZZIIIIIII,” she kept repeating loudly.  She then reached out and grabbed my head, cupping my ears while continuing to hum. “HUMM, ZZZIIIIIII…Feel the energy of the Earth pulsating through the veins in your mind.

I tried to close my eyes and visualize what she was seeing. 

HUMMM, ZIIIIIII, AHHHHH,” she hummed louder but all I could think about was how cold her hands were.  “DO YOU SEE IT NOW? THE VISION BEING FULFILLED!”  She yelled in an almost orgasmic tone.

I stood confused and agreed that I did see it now.

“Good,” she said while taking her hands off my face and returning to a normal tone of voice.  “My vision quests are charged by the hum. I’ve already sent you an invoice for this meeting and that includes two more follow-up vision quests.”

After venmoing her $28 dollars I noticed a large pack of bulldozers coming towards us.  Before they could reach the buildings a chain of people lined the streets blocking their entry.

All the bulldozers stopped within inches of the people who had linked arms and began to sing.

We shall not…we shall not be moved…we shall not…we shall not be moved,” the crowd sang melodically.

Childs then turned around and bid farewell to me, walking right up to one of the bulldozers, climbing on top and grabbing a conveniently placed megaphone.

“Move at once so that these machines can bring forth my canvas!” Childs yelled into the megaphone from atop of the center bulldozer.

No one in the crowed moved, they swayed back and forth and continued to sing.

Please…oh please…please don’t make us move…we have no job prospects and we have no food,” the crowd continued to sing in unison.

With an annoyed stare, Childs turned to the bulldozers and said, “Obliterate them, now!”

All the men driving the bulldozers looked to each other and then to the singing crowd who had grown larger and sang with even more spirit.

One by one the bulldoze drivers took their construction caps off and jumped out of the machines to join the crowd.  In a shocked state, Childs became flustered and yelled after them.  “You return now or I will have to make this canvas myself.”

None of the bulldoze drivers returned.

This caused Childs to attempt to drive one of the bulldozers.  She managed to turn one on and run over some people.  This scared everyone and caused them to scatter.

As of this writing, every single building has been demolished and Childs has begun work on her abstract sculpture.  It should be complete in time for the Super Bowl next year.