Straz Center of the Performing Arts – Hillsborough County – Wednesday 4.17.2019
Following yesterday’s announcement from Tampa mayoral candidate Jane Castor that she will add the ED 209 to the city’s crime fighting arsenal if elected, her opponent David Straz is firing back.
“Once again we see that woman can not be trusted to play it straight with numbers”, Straz said into a microphone he was holding upside down. “Anybody who knows homicidal robots that lack the ability to exercise discretion could tell you the Enforcement Droid she was showing off was an ED 146, a failed prototype that offers a mere 70% of the efficiency and killing power of the ED 209. She’s a liar!!”
Straz went on to say, “if you want killer robots, I’ll get you killer robots and I’ll pay for them. No cost to the taxpayers! We already utilize them at the Straz Center for the Performing Arts, which is named after me. How do you think we control rowdy patrons, with volunteer ushers? Yeah, right. Good luck enjoying a production of ‘Wicked’ or ‘Jersey Boys’ or ‘Hamburton’ without a platoon of heavily armed robots keeping people in line. Vote for me!”
On a different topic, when asked how he feels the campaign itself is going, he said, “I’ll be honest, I really thought this country had turned a corner in 2016 and wealthy old white men like me would finally be able to catch a fair break or two but I guess not.”
He then winked at me in an uncomfortably unsubtle way and said, “That’s okay. I have some tricks up my sleeve. You’ll see. You’ll all see! I’d like an egg salad sandwich for my pre-nappy time snack, please.”