Tampa Bay Area thugs launch Covid-19 awareness program

Local gang members have come together to help the community deal with increasing concerns about the Coronavirus Covid-19.

Trace Dogg, who lists his employment as “holdin’ it down” says, “In the ‘hood, people who can’t mind their business and keep their mouths shut are generally not looked upon favorably. I’m sure even your most, um, ‘suburban’ readers are familiar with the phrase, ‘snitches get stitches’. Well, for a limited time while we all go through this global health crisis, not only do snitches NOT get stitches, but snitches will get ‘wiches.”

Basically, the way the program works is if you contact any local gangsta, thug, bandit, hooligan, delinquent or ruffian and inform them about an individual you suspect has symptoms of Covid-19, they will make you a sandwich.

“Point out a runny-nosed motherf… I mean, potential patient… to me,” says Trace Dogg. “And I’ll cap his pandemic ass myself.”

Types of sandwiches will depend on what’s available at the time of redemption and the discretion of the gangsta to whom you’re reporting. “My personal specialty is chicken salad on a toasted brioche bun with cheddar cheese, bacon, tomatoes and spinach with just a smidge of garlic aioli,” says Trace Dogg. “That shit is real nice.”

The “Snitches Get Wiches” program will run until the pandemic is declared under control, and the previous policy regarding what snitches get will resume at that time.

Then Trace Dogg leaned in close and whispered, “My secret is I mix just a little bit of honey in with the mayo for the chicken salad” and I probably shouldn’t have printed that.