Tampa Bay Lightning win NBA Championship on a technicality

The Tampa Bay Lightning hockey team has won the NBA Championship after a misprint on a certificate has technicality crowned them the winners.

“I meant to write BOS on the championship certificate but I accidentally wrote TPA because I’m taking a flight to Tampa next week and that was on my mind so it was just a natural mistake.” Said Bass Kitball, head chairman of the NBA.

“Unfortunately we have really strict rules here and once something is printed on a certificate we are legally not allowed to go back and change it ever since the mafia invested heavily into the organization in 1960, so once it’s down, it’s down. And because Tampa doesn’t have an NBA team, the closest thing is the Lightning because they play in an arena that has also housed basketball on certain occasions.” Kitball continued.

“I will most likely wake up with a horse head in my bed in the morning and it will most certainly be lights out for me if I’m not able to evacuate the country in the next few days.” Kitball sweated through his suit.

Just then a hole appeared in a window of the foyer of his house the size of a bullet hole.

“Oh boy, that’s my cue. It’s been nice chatting, but I need to bounce, no basketball pun intended, and get out of her.” Kitball then skedaddled out of his formidable house as fast as he could.

As of now Tampa will have the championship trophy and hold a parade through the city with Hooters waitresses.

“We don’t have a basketball team but these girls ta-ta’s are as big as basketballs” Joked Tampa city planner Derrel Virginia.

“We’re happy to have the trophy here and we’re going to hoist it like we hoist all the others.” Said McClaren Daniels, President of Tampa.

Ok, I’m done, this story hurts to keep writing. I can feel it slipping from me as it type. Ouch, ouch, ouch, that’s how it feels typing this god-blasted story.

Hold on, wait, I just had a thought!

Wait, nope, never mind, it was something else.

I think my pager is going off, hold on, let me check it.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Yup, there it is. Paging me as usual.

Oh no, that’s not good…

Yea, I just lost $600 on Chinese women’s table tennis.

I have a gambling problem.

I don’t like to think of it as a problem though, I just like to think I’m really optimistic and that God is going to send me blessings. 

People always talk about God blessing them.

Well I ask God to bless me all the time in the form of gambling wins.

And you know what? He never does. Not even a little bit. He hates me. He has to. No just God would ever let someone suffer so much unless they hated them. I feel targeted. I get triggered just thinking about gambling. But in my head it’s not gambling, because I know I’m going to win. And I know it because I’m delusional and crazy so I’m able to truly believe I will win every time. It’s a blessing and a curse. Hey, maybe God has blessed me in a way now that I thinka about it. Hmm, God works in mysterious ways.

Thank you God. Thank you for blessing me with insanity.

Oh shit, my boss is coming in, I have to get back to masturbating on camera, I work a day shift as a cam guy and masturbate on webcam for dudes in a chatroom who pay me a couple bucks every now and then to touch myself. If my boss sees me writing a satire article and not touching myself I’ll be in big dog doo-doo. I work the writing gig as my night shift. But I’m writing this at 6 am, and that’s peak touching-myself-hours. Anyways, Tampa Lightning won the NBA championship. Read ‘em and weep, as they say.

Hold on actually I’m not done yet, because you’ll probably be going, “yea, yea, another stupid comedy article, is this even satire? Who does this guy think he is?” And for those reasons I’m going to give you the synopsis of Robocop.

A cop gets blown up and they build him back together with technology and give him abilities that make him like a better cop. Then he fights bad guys and beats a major bad guy. And it’s in Detroit. In the future.

That is the synopsis of Robocop.

I’ll be honest. I don’t know what “synopsis” means. I’m not even sure if it’s a real word but it doesn’t get a red line under it when I type it so I guess it is. I think I’ve seen it on IMDB which is why I tried using it. 

I hope that helps in your decision on classifying this as satire.

Actually, let me help you out a little bit more.

I just gave the middle finger to my computer screen. I hope that comes through. Yea, I bet you like that don’t you. Enjoy it while you can. Because everything goes away. Just like that. At the snap of a finger, all digital and physical everything is dust in the wind. And a new generation of advanced cyber-beings who are inter-dimensional will create something else. And this will be forgotten. But also energy never goes away it’s just transferred.

Alright, this ones hurting my brain now. First it was in a rough way earlier in the article now it’s in an overheating way like an engine going to fast. I’m not manic though! I take a lot of pills every day! The bottles don’t have my name on it, I found them, but they say pills are good! I take 20 pills from 6am-9am then I just casually take 80 pills throughout the rest of the day at my discretion. If you have a problem with that I really don’t know what to tell you. Take it up with my proctologist. He’ll know what to do. He always does.

I call him some nights just to laugh and laugh and sometimes we cry too.

Ok goodbye I’m really in trouble now at work.