The Tampa Bay Rays had a unit of sunshine cast upon them in the form of good news. With the fate of the entire baseball season in doubt amid negotiations between the millionaire players and billionaire owners, The MLB and MLB Players Association have dugout an agreement. Despite heated arguments, a worldwide pandemic, and their own best efforts, Baseball is back!
That’s big news for Tampa Bay and the Rays, who have always been synonymous with the words “baseball” and “cancel.” The Grim Reaper’s sweet release will not be felt by the Rays just yet, and it won’t be business as usual, either. Several changes are being implemented for the health and safety of everyone who enters Tropicana Field. “Coronavirus is no joke” says Rays General Manager Erik Neander, “The safety of our players and owners is of the upmost priority for us.” You could tell by his message that Neander was enthralled. That’s why The Rays will be following strict guidelines during relaunch.
All fans will be checked for fever and lice as they enter the facilities. Any obviously sick fans will be immediately escorted to the visiting teams locker room area. All high touch surfaces will be sanitized once a week, twice after they play the Yankees. Mountain Dew and Sierra Mist will be the only non-alcoholic beverages for sale due to their citric and acidic anti-viral properties. All hot dogs will be dipped in sanitizer before being served, and all other foods must be sold with a layer of molten hot nacho cheese to protect them from airborne Rona particles.
Masks will be required for all employees and players, however any patrons that wanna be all dramatic about it can wear them too. The first 3 dozen fans on Opening Day will receive Tampa Bay Rays masks. Just like the real players will be wearing, complete with team colors, sports mesh for extreme respiration, and patented ChewSpitHole Technology, which allows you to chew through a hole and spit through the SAME hole.
The CDC recommends keeping at least 6 feet between people to help slow the spread of Coronavirus. The Rays will be forced to comply with this social distancing as part of the MLB’s return strategy. As any Rays fan can tell you, that might be a challenge in Tropicana Field. “I’m used to having at least 15-20 feet between me and any other fan, BABY” says Rays mega fan Dick Vitale. “It’s gonna be weird being so close to other people, BABY. The Rays have been socially distancing since before it could save your life, BABY” Rays Manager Kevin Cash on the situation “If MLB is going to require us to keep fans 6 feet apart, I’m gonna require MLB to send us more fans.”
Despite their historically low attendance, TV viewers have always outnumbered the fans in the stands for the team. In their latest attempt to boost ticket sales, the Rays will be sending their mascot, Raymond, door to door in the surrounding neighborhood shutting off TVs. Be advised Raymond has a history of violence against other mascots. If he’s at your door, do what he says.
Finally, in an attempt at crossover unity and fan sharing, the team will be filling all remaining seats with cardboard cutouts of new Tampa Bay Buccaneers Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski. When asked what his thoughts were, Gronk seemed very interested and also wanted to know what thoughts were. Brady refused to comment, which really deflated any hope of a quote from the GOAT.
So come on down to Tropicana Field in St. Pete for a Tampa Bay Rays game! The MLB season is shortened to 60 games, meaning 30 home games and at least 15 Kool and the Gang post game summer concerts. It should be a celebration, good times. Come On!