Tampa Bay’s first Small Batch Sperm Bank set to open in St. Pete
This spring, Tampa Bay will be home to the very first of its kind, small batch sperm bank. You have questions and so did we when we sat down with managing partner and brainchild of the operation, Peter Pulaski. He had plenty to say on the issue when TNF correspondent Miles Neff sat down to interview him.
“So, Peter, what’s this all about?” Miles asked plainly, as if, in the moment, he had forgotten all his prepared questions and perhaps even forgotten what this whole interview was supposed to be all about in the first place.
“We are proud to say with confidence that Small Batch Sperm Bank of St. Petersburg, we use the acronym SBSBoSP around the office to save time, is the very first of its kind. Take everything you once knew about sperm banks and the sperm industry as a whole and flush that right down the toilet. This revolutionary business model is going to set a new standard for the future of sperm deposits and withdrawals. You may be asking yourself, ‘Pete! How did you come up with such a brilliant idea…’ and, well, it struck me when I realized that small batch makes everything better. Small batch beer, better. Small batch whiskey, better. Small batch wine, better. I had some small batch chocolates once. Those were pretty good too. They had little liqueur centers.”
“Once the spark of genius was in my noggin’, it was all I could think about. I went to work right away to get SBSBoSP off the ground. Fortunately, my neighbor was throwing out his old chest freezer, and I knew I could always borrow some real-estate in my mom’s freezer if need be. It’s mostly frozen vegetables in there anyways. Then it was time to start marketing! I hit Facebook Marketplace pretty hard, but my account was quickly locked. My 7 backup accounts have all subsequently been locked now too. The ball was already in motion and I was fresh out of ideas when it hit me, Craigslist. I hadn’t visited that site since Christmas dinner of 2011 was ruined by that date I brought home. Needless to say, we got a load of responses.”
“Yeah, if I’m being honest, there were some unforeseen problems. First off, when you offer to pay good money for sperm, you’re going to quickly have too much sperm on your hands. Luckily, I picked up a couple of those foam coolers for the family camping trip last summer and they were still sitting around. Secondly, small batch means we only want one deposit per person. Most guys understand the rule, but others do try to double dip with a double deposit. One gentleman keeps trying to fool us by coming back around with an assortment of fake mustaches, glasses and other accessories. We just won’t tolerate that sort of thing. The whole promise of this business is that the parents-to-be are getting a one-of-a-kind kid. Who wants to go through the trouble of getting artificially knocked-up and spend all the good years of their life raising a child if there could be tons of half-siblings out there just like them?! We make all depositors sign our ‘one and done’ contract.”
“There has been pushback on the city, state and federal levels. It was news to me, but apparently there are ‘regulations’ and ‘standards’ you have to meet when starting a sperm bank. There is a lot of paperwork involved, but my buddy Tommy’s uncle is a lawyer, so, I think we’ll have this well-oiled engine barreling down the tracks in a few weeks, maybe a month, tops. Until then, we’ll keep those babies on ice!” replied Peter Pulaski, all in one breath.
