Tampa car dealership no longer here for you

As the state of Florida relaxes quarantine standards, allowing more and more businesses to re-open, a car dealership in Tampa is operating at 100% pre-Coronavirus levels.

“During these totally precedented and certain times, we here at Cliibbons Motorcars Emporium on North Florida Avenue in Tampa want you to know that we are absolutely, more than ever before, not here for you. Now that the worst is behind us, you can count on the car buying experience going back to the nightmarish hassle it was before the COVID-19 hoax. The way it was for decades, the way God meant it to be when he invented the industry,” says sales manager Torii Cliibons. “No more online, no-haggling, easy credit approval, no-down-payment, no-payments-for-90-days, we-deliver-your-clean-car-to-your-fucking-driveway bullshit.”

She says that new customer service procedures enacted during the quarantine were never meant to be permanent and simply unsustainable. “When everything shut down, we had to adapt in order to keep our business viable. In times of crisis, people will often resort to doing things they’re not proud of, just to survive. We weren’t immune to that, unfortunately.” She shuddered as she added, “For us, that meant treating people with respect and dignity and making it extremely easy for them to buy cars. Ugh!”

“Prior to the outbreak, we’d get people to come out here on a hot summer’s day, wander around our lot for a while until they found something we’d make them think they could afford, then we would sweat them over whether or not our finance department would approve them or not. You could actually watch their spirits break before your very eyes”, she says. “It was nothing less than inspiring.”

She’s very happy that things are returning to normal. “Just this morning, I made some poor slob plead for our special ‘sport package’, which is nothing more than the inclusion of windshield wipers and an AM radio. We went back and forth for over a half hour and when I finally said yes, he actually thanked me! It was glorious,” she says. “I can’t speak for other dealerships, but I can tell you that here at our dealership, we’re excited to going back to the level of service our customers have come to expect from us: giving slightly fewer fucks about people than the Florida unemployment system. We were in this together. Now you suckers are on your own.”