Tampa goes back to being cesspool, piece of shit, town

Tampa, a once glorious city, has become overpopulated and polluted thanks to the pandemic pushing American immigrants into the city, driving up prices, diminishing resources, and overpacking land. The city is officially back to being the shit hole it once was before it’s rise to greatness. But such is the balance of nature, and once again it will transcend, and shake-off all the phonies, to bring a time of prosperity and joy to the people once again.

(Also, I don’t mean any of that, Tampa is still the best, I just wrote that headline to trick the algorithm into convincing people that Tampa sucks so it will start to push out the fakers and it can get back to just being us, the true appreciators of fine living and the beautiful lifestyle of being a true Tampanian. I love Tampa! It’s the greatest city on earth! That’s why we want it all to ourselves without everybody who realized we were cool and just showed up. They’ve been making fun of us for years remember! Remember when Tampa was the butt of the joke all those times?

Not anymore! Now we’re a hot new place on the come-up. We’re like bitcoin! Eventually everybody will realize they got scammed again renting condos in places that aren’t that much different from the place you came from, and hopefully they’ll go back, because we want Tampa all for ourselves. I know that sounds contradictory, but it’s hard to explain it. It’s like it’s our fucked up stupid place where a lot of wacky shit happens. Strip club capital! That used to mean something! Keep us a novelty. It’s so much more fun that way. Stop trying to raise your kids in my pirate parade.)

NOTE: The reporter who wrote this story has since moved out of Tampa.