Tampa (Kansas) gears up for next Super Bowl

One day after the completion of Super Bowl LIV in Miami, Florida, residents and government officials in Tampa, Kansas, are making preparations for next year’s big game.

“As far as anybody knows, Super Bowl LV and all the festivities that accompany it are not supposed to be held here,” says Tampa Mayor Timothy Svoboda. “But after President Trump’s Tweet congratulating the wrong Kansas City for the Chiefs’ championship, we figured we’d better play it safe.”

Svoboda has been in touch with Jane Castor, the Mayor of Tampa, Florida, where the game is actually scheduled to be played. She says she fully understands Mayor Svoboda’s concerns and is prepared to offer whatever support he needs. “Usually, if someone makes an obvious error like that, people just shrug it off as a slip-up,” she says. “But when it comes to this particular goofball, a lot of his followers take what he says quite literally and we all know there’s no telling what he’s going to Tweet between now and then.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says, “We stand ready to serve this great nation and the President of the United States. If that means deciding our league’s championship, the greatest sheer entertainment spectacle in all of professional sports, in the middle of a goddamn cornfield, so be it.” 

As of right now, Tampa, which is located in Marion County, Kansas, and boasts a population of approximately 110 people, does not have a football stadium. It also doesn’t have enough hotels, restaurants and tourist attractions to accommodate the hundreds of thousands of visitors expected to attend, as it doesn’t have any hotels, restaurants or tourist attractions. “Actually, that last part isn’t true; I know how you big city media people like to make fun of good, hard-working small-town folks like us, but I’ll have you know that  the 1910 P.H. Meehan House, located at 401 North Columbus Street, is listed with the National Register of Historic Places, thank you very much,” says Svoboda. “Although, it’s not open to the  public, so I guess it is true. But that’s a blessing because the lines would have been ridiculous.”

When I asked him if he was concerned about the impact an event of this magnitude could have on his city’s infrastructure, he said, “Man, this whole place is less than one square quarter mile. Infrastructure? What the hell is infrastructure?? We have plumbing and electricity, if that’s what you mean. And of course it can’t handle an influx of that many people. Hell, if I have to flush my toilet more than once during a given sitting, the county has to cancel school the next day. What a stupid question.”

Aside from a plan on how to pay for all the upgrades necessary (“We’re going to start passing the collection plate twice at each church service”), Svoboda is also concerned about finding halftime entertainers that represent the culture and heritage of his city the way that Jennifer Lopez and Shakira did at the game in Miami. “We don’t really have any women that anybody would want to see scantily clad. We don’t even care much for dancing in general. I supposed I could chug a Pepsi and try to burp the alphabet. I’ve never gotten past the letter G, though. But who knows? Great challenges inspire great efforts.”