Tampa man finally sets off last New Year’s fireworks

Coy Codgers of Tampa has brought the Bay Area’s 2024 New Year’s celebration to a close by setting off the final pyrotechnics of the night, more than six hours after midnight.

“Was I still up celebrating? Hell no. I was in bed at 9pm,” said Codgers. “I set my alarm for 6:30 this morning just to get up and do this, something I’ve been planning for a year. Because screw my neighbors who make it sound like World Wars 3, 4 and 5 every year while I try to sleep. Happy New Year, you dicks.”

One of his neighbors, Frieda Zipline, wasn’t as aggravated as you might expect from Codgers’ passive aggressive retaliation.

“It was a relief to find out it was just an asshole and not some psycho on a shooting spree,” she said. “All things considered, this year’s off to a pretty good start.”