Tampa News Force seeking to purchase historic cigar factory
Tampa News Force (TNF) owner and CEO OJ Simpson has announced that TNF is in the process of raising funds in order to purchase the historic Y. Pendes & Alvarez Cigar Factory at 2301 N. Albany Avenue in Tampa.
“The organization is primed for bigger and better things in the near future, so it only makes sense that we have a bigger and better headquarters.” Simpson says if the purchase bid is successful, major renovations and upgrades will take place in the 109-year-old, 60,000 square foot facility.
“We plan to add a sound stage, an editing suite, a recording studio, offices, unisex restrooms, film screening room, a night club for live events, a ping pong table, a toaster oven and at least five orgy dungeons, among other features,” OJ Simpson said before taking loud sip from his Faygo and continuing, “I’d also like one of those beverage vending machines where the robot tray gets the bottle and dispenses it gently into the service receptacle, as opposed to dropping it unceremoniously into a bin at the bottom, like a severed head.”
TNF currently is not a publicly held corporation so there are no stockholders to foot the $4.5 million purchase price.
In order to raise funds, a GoFundMe Campaign was launched earlier this week.
“Let’s take a look at how we’re doing so far,” said Simpson excitedly, as he pulled the campaign up on his tablet. “Looks like… zero dollars. Yep, that’s what it was yesterday too. So it looks like we’ve got a little ways to go. That’s all right. It’s not how you start, it’s how you finish. Just ask any of the two people I was accused of murdering but totally didn’t if that isn’t true. Not that they’d be able to answer you! Ha ha ha!”
He then added that the chief incentive to donate to the campaign is that all donors will receive a lifetime discount of “cheap!” on tickets to all parties and entertainment events held at the facility once TNF moves in.