Tampa schools rebranding as conversion therapy centers

The Hillsborough County Board of Education has announced that all schools within Tampa city limits will immediately be rebranded as “conversion therapy centers”.

Board spokesman Ron Tickleton says, “We’re taking this step since so many people think reparative therapy, trying to change an individual’s sexual orientation from homosexual or bisexual to heterosexual using psychological or spiritual interventions is legitimate science and that actual legitimate science… isn’t. Why fight it? Nobody respects schools anymore so screw it. We’re not schools anymore.”

I asked him if this means the former schools will be dedicating themselves to “fixing” gay kids and he replied, “Heavens no! That would be stupid, cruel and ultimately a huge waste of time. When the federal courts ruled recently that Tampa couldn’t make conversion therapy illegal, they didn’t define clearly what conversions they meant. You can basically convert whatever you want in the name of therapy. So our mission will now be to convert the ignorant to smart or at least less ignorant. Basically the same as always. Only now, bigots will be inclined to give us some of their sweet hate money. We’re expecting way more funding than the government ever gave us.”

When asked if the former schools will be adapting standard conversion therapy techniques such as electroshock, prayer, hypnosis and vomit-inducing chemical compounds, Tickleton said, “no, we have books and facts and educated professionals trained to administer them. We’ll stick with that combo.”

When asked if producing educated, reasonable adults might make them obsolete, Tickleton laughed really hard for a long time before finally saying, “that hasn’t been a concern so far.”