Tampa to monetize wrong-way drivers

In an effort to do SOMETHING about Tampa’s chronic problem with people driving in the wrong direction down one-way streets and interstate highways, the city has announced that it will attempt to exploit the situation in order to generate revenue.

“Obviously, our preference would be for it not to happen at all”, said Tampa Mayor Jane Castor. “I mean, we put up signs with arrows and everything, and interstate ramps are designed and laid out to be almost impossible to access incorrectly unless you either make a concerted effort to do so or you’re completely wasted or both. But it just keeps happening, in spite of every reasonable attempt to prevent it. That being the case, with further incidents of destruction and loss of life all but inevitable, we might as well make some money from it.”

Beginning next Tuesday, sets of bleachers, normally used for seating spectators at Gasparilla parade events, will be positioned at various spots along northbound Florida Avenue between downtown and Hillsborough Avenue, southbound Highland Ave./Tampa St. between MLK and downtown as well as at the junction of I-275 and I-4.

Admission prices will be $25 for adults, $10 for kids and will cover a four-hour viewing period. “Of course, social distancing will be enforced and there will be hand sanitizer stations because safety is always our primary concern,” said Mayor Castor. “Wrong-way driver-induced accidents are not guaranteed, but over any given period of four hours, there’s a pretty good chance that fans will see their fair share of some kind of mayhem and carnage.”

Special family four packs for just $50 will be available at Tampa Boost Mobile locations and concessions will be available from popular food trucks, which will be strongly encouraged to arrive at locations by going the wrong way.