Tampa woman’s lunch bill summons Satan

Sharon Bulbly was eating lunch at Panera Bread in Tampa, part of an American chain store of bakery-café fast casual restaurants yesterday when her tab inadvertently summoned Satan, also known as the Devil and sometimes also called Lucifer in Christianity, an entity in the Abrahamic religions that seduces humans into sin or falsehood in order to bring about the fall of mankind.

She had ordered a Watermelon Feta Salad with Almonds & Chicken and Vegetarian Creamy Tomato Soup in a bread bowl. Her bill came to $13.34 which she paid with a $20 bill and received back $6.66 in change.

“I thought, ‘uh-oh, that’s not good’. I don’t want to be walking around with that on me. You know because of the whole Mark Of The Beast thing,” she said. “I thought, ‘maybe I’d better just leave a dollar of it as a tip’ but then I realized that I had placed my order at a kiosk, I would be picking up my food when it was ready and even clearing my own table when I finished. What the hell would I be tipping for?”

Before she could even answer her own rhetorical question, there was an explosion in the dining room accompanied by thick, acrid, oily smoke, from which the Prince of Darkness emerged.

“The time for forestalling has passed. It is too late for that, my minion. It has begun,” intoned Beelzebub, The Great Deceiver as he is often referenced in the New Testament. “And it begins… in Tampa? Huh.”

“That wasn’t foretold in the scriptures, but it makes sense,” added the being also known as The Enemy, while the Howard Frankland Bridge burst into flames and Abaddon, one of The Devil’s high-ranking agents of destruction helped himself to a Mango Yuzu Citrus Lemonade with Guarana & Caffeine without even paying for it.

Bulbly is understandably upset about her role in bringing about Armageddon, the End Times.

“I’m familiar with what it says in the Bible. But I thought those verses referred to a tattoo, a brand, or maybe even a microchip implant with the number 666,” she said. “Not change from a light soup and salad late lunch.”

“Well, yeah. One of the big flaws is that there’s a lot of room for subjective interpretation in that book,” responded The Father of Lies, sheepishly. “We’ve been dealing with that for years.”

Brianna, an employee at Panera said, “That’s what she gets for not tipping.”