Taylor Swift cancels Saturday night’s show

“This bores me,” announced pop superstar Taylor Swift during Friday night’s show at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa. “Screw it. I’m not performing tomorrow.”

The sudden surprise edict came near the end of the second of three scheduled, sold out concerts. Thursday’s show happened without incident.

“What am I even doing this for? My own self-gratification? It’s not as if I don’t have enough money and you people aren’t exactly challenging me,” she said, experiencing something of an existential crisis on stage. “I bet I could fart into the mic and you’d all go wild.”

She then farted into her microphone and the assembled crowd of over 60,000, many of whom paid over $500 each just to sit in the seats furthest from the stage, went wild, with a standing ovation that lasted for eight minutes. 

“Predictable and pathetic. I hate you all. No show tomorrow,” said Swift. “Get your refunds or donate the money to poor people or dogs or whatever. I honestly don’t care.”

Reactions from fans, known as ‘Swifties’ was enthusiastically supportive.

“Oh my God, Taylor is amazing! So brave! And did you hear that fart? Such tone, such melody! I bet it smelled great too. Beyoncé could never fart like that,” said Amy Mishkowitz of Tampa. “This is the greatest night of my life! Mostly because I didn’t buy a ticket for Saturday. Those poor bastards.”

Amy Wishkomitz of St. Petersburg did buy a ticket for Saturday but seemed relatively unbothered by the sudden cancellation. 

“I’m a Swiftie forever. That means I will support Taylor no matter what she does for the rest of my life,” she said. “Of course, that’s going to be easy since I’m going to kill myself now.”