TECO Streetcar Set to Test 120 MPH Trolley

A new streetcar that can travel up to 120 miles per hour on Tampa’s existing streetcar network is set to begin accepting riders this week.

“The biggest complaint we get about the trolley is that it’s slow,” said Tampa City Councilman Dennis Arriola, representative for District 8. “After reviewing the few applications we received for transit suggestions, this was the best option to focus the majority of our transportation budget.”

As part of a new transportation initiative, officials hope to test the effectiveness of the futuristic streetcar in hopes of expanding the trolley line.

“We are certain that this will increase the number of people who will refuse to walk anywhere near the trolley line,” said Councilman Arriola. “I got to ride it the other day, it ran over two people. They just splattered into oblivion. The trolley kept going and they wiped it down after it stopped.”

Many of the first-time riders are reporting similar incidents of total and complete carnage being ignored.

“It was like a Thanos Infinity Gauntlet snap,” said Everyt Fleenz. “They just turned into a fine mist upon impact. Real disturbing shit, I don’t know how I can continue living after experiencing that.”

The updated TECO Streetcar is currently free to ride while testing continues until further notice.